There’s more news about M&M's this week
I’m so sorry.
Hey it’s me, your fellow M&M’s correspondent here with some breaking news about the characters the marketing team at Mars created to make advertisements. They have announced this week that M&M’s are getting some all-female packaging. That’s right, you can get a pack of M&M’s that feature the three sexy candy ladies on the front, with only their respective colors (green, brown, and purple). Candy fans can also nominate a woman they think are really breaking down barriers for their chance to win $10,000. I don’t know about you but I think with this? Sexism is finally over!
As science explains: “With every new revelation about a female M&M character, there must be a response from Fox News host, Tucker Carlson,” and of course there was a response about this from Fox News host, Tucker Carlson. In this most recent clip, an absolutely defeated-looking shitstain of a person announces that the “Woke M&M’s are back” and that “Green M&M has her boots back but is also apparently a lesbian?” and that there is a new Purple M&M who is also obese. He ends this note by saying, “And we’re going to cover that because that’s what we do.” He looks like he wants to retire and honestly, please do retire soon. Like tomorrow. Like yesterday.
There’s so much that I need to unpack here that I absolutely don’t want to unpack. I’ve already unpacked all I wanted to about the M&M’s (speculating on which ones would eat pussy) and I thought my work would be done. But truly, no good work like this truly ends up finished. First of all, having three M&M characters on a wrapper (that will be most likely thrown away after use, unless you’re a little freak who likes trash) is not “woke” anything. It is a marketing campaign devised by people who work in marketing, who have never been “woke” in their lives because marketing is inherently evil and does not care about people. If it was more profitable to be like, “These are the misogyny M&M’s” then the advertising team would have done that! (Just look at any advertisement from, like, the entirety of history up until maybe seven years ago). The bigwigs up at HQ are just noting a trend that girlboss feminism—also not really “woke” by any means—is quite popular and they’re trying to make money off of it! That’s it!
As a reporter (which he is not, actually), Carlson is doing a bad job and is providing his audience with bad information. Miss Green is not getting her go-go boots back, despite all the horny controversy over her new, perfectly sexual, new sneakers. Jane Hwang, Global Vice President of M&M’s has even told CNN that there are no plans to change her design to the original look. That ship has sailed. As for her being a lesbian? We already knew that Green and Brown have fucked. Seriously that is the least surprising bit of news I’ve heard all year.
And now to address Purple again. I’m a little shocked to find out that this is the first time Tucker has spoken about the new female M&M since she debuted in October, but I’m less shocked to find out that he hates her. It is so fucking funny, like so fucking funny, that this grown-ass man goes on live television every night and gets paid a lot of money to body-shame a fucking cartoon piece of candy. Purple is a peanut M&M, same as Yellow (they literally look the same, just one has girly eyelashes) and nobody has ever said anything until now. I’m sorry that you can’t find it in you to want to have sex with a piece of candy with eyes unless they’re perfectly round and not a peanut. She’s a peanut! She’s peanut shaped! You know that fatphobia has gone too far when people are out here body-shaming candied nuts.
I’m so mad that this fucking loser of a guy (who my parents watch almost every night, so I know him too well) got mad about the “desexualization of M&M’s” that I got myself also thinking about these stupid cartoon characters in the same way. I’m so mad that I’m following news about advertisements and I’m mad that all of this dumb stuff is part of an equally dumb “culture war” which is a waste of time. Mars is trying to sell candy and Fox News is trying to tell everyone that a marketing redesign (which happens pretty often in marketing) is a marker that society is “going downhill.” Please, it’s just a commercial.
Hey do you want to see me to standup? I’m going to be opening for Best of Annoyance Sketch on January 28th @9:30 at (you guessed it) the Annoyance Theatre! You can buy tickets at the door or ahead of time here.