Horoscopes for Libra Season 2023

It's the perfect time to make choices. Just kidding!

On September 23rd we had the fall equinox, which is both the sign that fall has officially begun and that you will be getting less and less sunlight every day until one day you look out your office window at 4:00pm and see only darkness and wonder when this fresh hell will end. But we’re not quite there yet, so make sure to enjoy the last bit of life we have outside this year. Libra season is all about indecision in the name of making the peace. You will save so much money by simply never choosing a place to go eat! If there is even a moment of unrest you will die.

Aries
You will be betrayed this month. A text from your friend to another friend that talks shit about you will accidentally be sent to you instead. You could have lived in peace thinking that people liked your new haircut, but actually they hate it and have some pretty nasty things to say about it. Do with this information what you will. 

Taurus
You are so busy this month and it’s becoming a problem. It feels like you haven’t slept in days, except you have slept, but it’s not enough to truly feel rested. Everyone’s asking you to do things and you just can’t seem to say no. Instead of setting boundaries, you get another idea: why not find a magical time-stopping machine from the local pawn shop? Lucky for you, the local pawn shop has such a thing, and now you’re able to stop time and complete tasks with ease. You are able to do this for a while but then you notice everything around you looks off, people are talking funny or stopping mid-sentence. Your workaholic tendencies are now creating a rift in time and space itself, but you still have so many things to do!

Gemini
One of your neighbors will stop by your house this month with some sourdough starter. They say they have too much and can’t use it all, so they want to give it to you. They also just casually mention that this sourdough starter has roots all the way back to pilgrim times. There is no way to verify this, but that is a possible place of origin for sourdough starter. That shit can get old. Now you’re responsible for this yeast and you gotta use it right or you might be throwing away a piece of history for absolutely nothing. No pressure.

Cancer
Your herb garden should be dead from extreme neglect, but it surprisingly looks better than when you got your plants from the plant store. This container of basil and mint is never going away, even if you try to get rid of it. It’s a blessing, until the herbs grow too much. Then you have too many herbs. You don’t even cook that much.

Leo
Like most people, you’ve wanted to try learning a new language and you downloaded Duolingo, which seems like the easiest and most accessible option. There’s even a little owl that reminds you to keep at it with your practice—you’re never going to get fluent if you don’t practice a little bit every day, after all! But then you get a little busier and you don’t have time to learn sentences in Portuguese like you used to, so you maybe go on a few days a week, and then less days and less days until you haven’t opened the app at all. There’s no harm to that, things change and life happens to all of us. But not the Duolingo owl. He has nothing going on other than ensuring you can become fluent in a new language. You may have forgotten about him but he will never forget you. He misses you, he’s coming for you, you better watch your back. 

Virgo
Someone will find your bank login info on the dark web and try to steal some of the money from your account. It’s a strange amount, too small for a big bank heist, and the numbers and transactions look like a little code. A clue. Use these clues to find the thief. Why are they letting themselves be found?

Libra
Happy birthday, Libra! You always deserve to have a little break, as a treat, but this month you are going to get a little bit of a break. Any time someone comes up to you to ask you to do something, a barrier protects you and you are physically incapable of being bothered by the request. All work emails you don’t want to see simply do not show up in your inbox. You are surprisingly unbothered this month and there will be no repercussions to ignoring all of the chaos surrounding you.

Scorpio
You never knew you had an evil twin, but you do, and you will meet them sometime soon. They will claim that they are “the true you” but you know that is not true. You will need to be strong and ready to fight, for they are stronger than you and know you better than you know yourself.

Sagittarius
People are usually drawn to you and this month, you notice a lot of people who do not know you are revealing their deepest, darkest secrets to you without you asking for it or even wanting to know. A private eye gets wind of this and will ask you some questions about some of these truths you have discovered without your consent. Will this be the start of a new friendship or the start of something much more sinister?

Capricorn 
Follow your dreams this month. You’ve had some good luck with business recently so this is the perfect time to make the first steps to make your dream job a reality. The market is looking hot for electric kazoos, so you better get into the game first before someone else does it first and makes a fortune. This is not a business newsletter but I am also right.

Aquarius
It is time for you to unlock the rest of your mind through meditation. Through this practice you will not know all of life’s answers, but you will know all the answers to the Sunday crossword—and that’s basically like having all knowledge of the universe.

Pisces
You will start to see visions like Raven from That’s So Raven but some of the fortune will only have a 50 percent chance of accuracy so you still really don’t know what the future holds.

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The Ghost Rats (my improv team) are doing a bunch of shows the end of September/all of October. Check out our variety show Date Night with the Rats 9/30, 9/13, 9/20, and 9/27 9:30pm at the Bughouse Theater. We are also doing a workshop this Saturday 9/30 at the Roselle Public Library and We Took Edibles an Hour Ago on 10/7 midnight at the Annoyance. See you there!