Horoscopes for Aries Season 2023

Spring is finally here!

Did you hear? Winter is over and spring is (allegedly) here, and when spring begins so does Aries season! Aries season is all about girlbossing your way to the top and leaving no survivors. If you want to get things done, now is the time to do so. As the horoscope writer, I’m off to a bad start since this whole thing is coming out days later than it should but you know what? Life’s like that sometimes.

Aries
Happy birthday to the sign that’s always at the top of the list! Celebrate your birthday by completely shedding your old skin into newer, shinier skin. You will look like a Twilight vampire but you don’t have to drink blood, regular people food is still good.

Taurus
A curse has been placed upon you and you are physically unable to start a new book until you have finished every book you’ve never finished, including some of the Little House on the Prairie series that you gave up on in third grade. 

Gemini
You think Big Bird (yes that Big Bird) has been following you around town. Does he want to harm you in some way? No, he’s actually just trying to get people in the neighborhood to help in some mutual aid efforts. He’s a cool guy. He’s still got an aura of danger surrounding him.

Cancer
You are at the risk of your coworkers knowing too much about you after all you are willing to divulge about yourself at the work happy hours. You need to stop that. Instead, listen to what others have to say when they’re two margaritas in. This new information may be useful to you soon.

Leo
Learning taxidermy may become a useful skill for you to have in the near future.

Virgo
When you get a Scam Likely call in the next few days, you decide to not only answer it but to start talking to the person on the other line. The both of you are really chatting up a storm. They actually seem pretty cool, they just have a shitty job. You might even be developing feelings for this mystery caller. You agree to go on a date—it might be the start of something new, or they will steal your shoes.

Libra
You will be trapped in an elevator for exactly five hours either with your best friend or someone who annoys the shit out of you. A lot can happen when you’re stuck in an elevator for exactly five hours.

Scorpio
While taking out the trash you see a raccoon. It’s normal, you think, to see a raccoon by the trash cans. But then you hear a voice. There’s no one around, just the raccoon. The raccoon is talking to you. He wants to show you something in the trash—will you go?

Sagittarius
Chances are high that you will hook up with at least one person who has a very strange collection in their room and it will be visible to you during the sex.

Capricorn
Your order of Girl Scout cookies has arrived, but there are no cookies in the boxes. You just have six empty boxes of Thin Mints. When you try to complain to your cookie contact, you just get ripped to shreds by a very passionate suburban mother. You start to question yourself. You start to question if anything is actually true anymore. 

Aquarius
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Literally nobody will even notice if you crash your car. You can do nothing wrong. Everyone else is flawed but you, you are perfect.

Pisces
There will be an expensive coat that you really want to buy. Don’t do it. Buying this coat will ruin you financially for at least two fiscal quarters. You need to be smart about this and instead spend way too much money on scented candles.