The Pope Bachelor
Who will be the Vatican’s next top cardinal?
With the passing of Pope Francis a couple of weeks ago (legally must say it was definitely NOT at the hands of Vice President of the United States JD Vance), the conclave to find a new pope begins this week.
Catholicism has been in its flop era for a long time. What with all of the child abuse scandals, the conservative views, and the weird instance of the nun at my church growing up being vocally xenophobic against Polish people (that’s like a good chunk of the Church, whose side are you on?), there’s a reason why those of us who were born into the faith are, typically, not huge fans of it anymore. But whenever there is pope news, I still get a little excited and have to mention that my aunt in Poland got baptized by John Paul II when he wasn’t pope yet.
Finding a new pope is a big deal—whoever gets voted in gets to set the record straight if LGBTQ people deserve to live or die, and other stuff too. Some of the top oldest men in the world are getting together to vote on a single leader. And obviously, no girls are ever allowed because they are evil and full of sin. Just a bunch of old dudes in their cardinal drip.
There are 133 cardinals, but only one can win.
Pietro Parolin
Nationality: Italian
Age: 70
At a spry 70 years old, Cardinal Parolin was Pope Francis’ best friend (chief adviser) back in the day (a month ago) and is considered a frontrunner in the pope race. People like him for his diplomacy but he is opposed to same-sex marriage and hated the 2015 vote in Ireland, which I believe to be chode behavior. Also, do we need more Italians to be pope? Historically there were so many, let’s give others a chance.
Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle
Nationality: Filipino
Age: 67
Okay, are we allowing children to become the pope these days? This guy is younger than my dad! He’s been dubbed the “Asian Francis” due to beliefs that are moderate (by a crazy Catholic standard). Abortion is murder, of course, but we should at least not be severely hateful towards gay people, divorcees, and single mothers. He’s practically the Bernie Sanders of the Vatican!
Robert Prevost
Nationality: American
Age: 69 (nice)
Chicago mentioned??? Cardinal Prevost is basically just a baby, and while more of a reformer than some other cardinals, he also has some allegations of covering up sexual abuse claims. But I mean, who on the road to the papacy hasn’t done a little bit of that? I also just don’t think America needs to be in the spotlight more right now.
Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson
Nationality: Ghanaian
Age: 76
Not only is Cardinal Turkson the perfect age (76 is the new 35) but he could also be the first pope from Africa in over 1,500 years. He keeps saying that he’s not trying to become pope in an, “Oh my gosh (can’t use God’s name in vain here) you guys stoopppp itt!!!” kind of way. Because he is a leader in the Catholic church, he is conservative. BUT he doesn’t think people should go to jail for being gay in Africa. So…a progressive win?
Fridolin Ambongo Besungu
Nationality: Congolese
Age: 65
Okay I didn’t know that we were allowing literal fetuses to run for pope. He is more conservative than a lot of his other Francis-appointed cardinals, saying that same-sex marriage is “intrinsically evi.” So not slay! He is very passionate about causes in his home of the Congo and criticizes government corruption and the exploitation of natural resources.
Peter Erdo
Nationality: Hungarian
Age: 72
This guy is old enough to have elected Pope Benedict, the least-popular pope in probably centuries. He’s very conservative in an Eastern European way, which is a way of thinking that is full of contradictions and pisses me off. In the 2015 migrant crisis he did not let the Church to take in migrants as it was “tantamount to human trafficking.” Says the guy from the country where a lot of people had to leave for their safety. Awesome.
Mario Grech
Nationality: Maltese
Age: 68
He’s just a guy. I don’t know, he’s just kind of a regular Catholic cardinal. His name is Mario, but I bet he’s never said, “It’s a-me!” during one of his services, which is a shame.
Matteo Zuppi
Nationality: Italian
Age: 69
His last name sounds like the word for “soup” in many languages. He was besties with Pope Francis, and from my understanding will be to his disadvantage in the conclave.
Joseph Tobin
Nationality: American
Age: 73
Cardinal Tobin was born in Detroit, the Motor City, the same place that my dad and his siblings were born (around the same time, too). He’s seen as a unifying figure, even though he is a pretty staunch supporter of Francis’ views on being a more open and welcoming church. He says that the Church should welcome same-sex couples and has argued that he doesn’t see a “compelling theological reason why the Pope couldn’t name a woman cardina.” Can the pope actually be a girlboss feminist?
Angelo Scola
Nationality: Italian
Age: 83
According to this article I’m reading about the conclave, only cardinals under 80 can vote on a pope, but you can still be elected if you’re over 80. Is that because the cardinals who are gonna be around longer than the pope get to have a say in what their future is going to look like instead of just letting all the people on death’s door make a decision for everyone instead? Maybe the United States’ electoral system should take a look into that. Anyways, Cardinal Scola wrote a book about old age and Pope Francis wrote the forward, which is pretty sweet.
Reinhard Marx
Nationality: German
Age: 71
This cardinal spent 10 years serving as an adviser to Pope Francis. He tried to resign in 2021 over serious mistakes he made in tackling child sexual abuse in Germany’s Catholic Curch but the resignation was rejected by Francis. What do you do when you want to quit but then your boss, who is supposed to be the “voice of God” tells you you can’t? That sucks, I hate working. He also is more accepting of the LGBTQ community.
Pierbattista Pizzaballa
Nationality: Italian
Age: 60
I saw that this Italian man’s given last name was Pizzaballa and I thought to myself, “There’s no fucking way.” But that is his real name.
Marc Ouellet
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 80
This guy is old as heck, and has been in the running for pope twice, in 2005 and 2013. He is very much in favor of the idea that priests should remain celibate. I get that you don’t want to bone, Cardinal Ouellet, but why does that mean nobody else can?
Robert Sarah
Nationality: Guinean
Age: 79
Super conservative, even by pope standards. Not a favorite for me, not at all.
Jean-Marc Aveline
Nationality: French
Age: 66
We have not had a French pope since 1378, which is shocking because France is so close to Italy but deserved because who likes the French? Cardinal Aveline also has very similar stances to Pope Francis, especially speaking against criminalization of migrants. One major setback is that this guy is not fully fluent in Italian. That’s, like, one of the parts of the job my guy. Maybe he can brush up on it in the meantime—French is similar enough a language that it couldn’t be that hard. And at a bubbly 66 years old, his brain is still absorbent like a sponge.
Charles Maung Bo
Nationality: Myanmar
Age: 76
Cardinal Bo is one of the other Asian candidates for the papacy, born in a country where only 1.3% of the population are Catholic. He has spoken out over the plight of the Rohingya Muslims and said Myanmar should celebrate its diversity.
Michael Czerny
Nationality: Canadian
Age: 78
A Jesuit like Pope Francis was, this cardinal was very close to the previous pope and share similar ideals. He’s considered to be pretty progressive for a Catholic cardinal. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely they’ll elect two Jesuits in a row, though.
And those are all the top players in line to be the next pope. It could be one of these guys, it could be someone else. We won’t know until we see white smoke. Does anyone remember that show called The Young Pope starring Jude Law? A hot, young, progressive pope may not be what we deserve, but it is what we need.
I have never been confirmed and I think I am now disqualified from obtaining any more sacraments if that’s something I wanted to do in the future.
Shows happening this month!
5/14, Dr. Coke is doing the Wednesday show at Finley Dunnes, 8pm.
5/16, I’ve written some sketches and will be acting in some of them at this month’s Anti-Virgin Club show at Annoyance, 8pm (in the big theater).
5/22, Clock That Tea show #2 is coming your way! The lineup is stacked and the tea will be piping hot. Uptown Tap, 8pm.
5/31, teams Ghost Rats and Cat Bath are joining forces for a new variety hour titled Double Booked. We have our premiere show the last Saturday night in May. Annoyance Theater, 10:30pm.