Dear Kum & Go,
Mergers and acquisitions strike again, making the country even worse than before. We all thought that a Midwestern gas station with a great name and cool, fun merch could power through the hellscape that is modern day capitalism, but nobody is safe—especially not you, Kum & Go.
It’s sad to see you go. There’s not much out there in western Illinois, Iowa, and beyond. I’ve driven along this path many times to see nothing but corn, a barn, and maybe a cow if I’m lucky. But then there was you. On the side of the road, as we got closer to some semblance of civilization out there, you were there in big red letters: “Kum & Go.” Every time I passed you I would smile to myself. Kum & Go is a very funny name and my sense of humor has never improved since I was twelve years old.
The Kum & Go brand was strong. You did not only fuel cars, you fueled our hearts. When I felt like there was no point to being alive, I would remember many things that reminded me that life was worth living, including the fact that there is a gas station that was called Kum & Go and you could buy a bucket hat with the logo. It was a symbol of pride and of cum all across the great Midwest. But now, you are no more.
What the fuck is a Maverik anyways? Who wants to go fill up their car at a Maverik? At that point, we can just go to Shell, BP, or Thorntons. People wanted to go to the Kum & Go because they wanted to go and kum. It was a special place, now it’s just a regular, boring gas station like all the rest. This is some prime Utah bullshit.
Kum & Go, I am glad to have gone to see you one last time when I was in Iowa City with my improv team last summer. I was glad to have introduced some of my closest friends to you before you left us. I had no idea how important that last visit was going to be, it was like a funeral without even knowing. You will be missed, Kum and all, in our hearts forever.