Rating popular mascots on how warm they would make me during these cold, cold winter nights
I am so lonely, and so cold.
As I am writing this, it is negative seven degrees out and even colder with the windshield. I know I live in Chicago and am from here so I should be used to it, but there is regular cold and there is Cold. One of the windows of my house is frosted over and all the picture frames leaning on the window are frozen to it. We have the heat set to 73 degrees and my fingers are still shivering a little bit. My house is old, and therefore it is also cold. It’s too cold.
But what am I to do? I’m a lonely woman this winter. Sometimes I’ll be blessed with a gentleman whose body heat serves as a mini-radiator, but not this year. I lost so much in the past twelve months and it feels like the universe is laughing at me by also making me go through the coldest days of the year all by my lonesome. Relying on myself isn’t “girl power” when I naturally emit as much heat as a refrigerator. I’ll say it—I need someone! I need someone to hold me close, tell me I’m beautiful, and most importantly to emit so much natural body heat that I don’t feel like I’m turning into a human icicle while I sleep. Being alone has its perks, I guess, but having to sleep with fuzzy socks on because there’s no other way I can fall asleep just isn’t what I want to spend my whole life doing! Sue me!
Grimace
He’s big, he’s fuzzy, he’s purple—of course he would be great at keeping me warm during the winter months. He’s perfect for the job. With fur like that, I don’t think he could get cold! And I mean, Grimace has been keeping my feet warm for me all winter already, with the fuzzy grocs (that is, Grimace Crocs) I bought. He’s a 10/10 companion for any evening, though, the light of my heart.
Gritty
Gritty is king of the ice and king of my heart. His thick, furry body is perfect for a cold winter night. I know that his body just radiates heat naturally—just look at how he’s able to parade around the rink wearing nothing but a skimpy little bikini (or nothing at all most days). I would also like to spend quality time with him, just so I can know what kind of man Gritty really is.
Tony the Tiger
Not only is he fuzzy, he’s also jacked and I think his big arms would be a perfect cushion while he holds me gently through the night. He’s not quite as furry as some of the other guys, so we might need a blanket, but that’s totally fine with me!
The Pop-Tart from the Pop-Tart Bowl
He’s weak, he’s crumbly, he’s edible and he would be a TERRIBLE companion for a freezing cold winter night. The only saving grace that Mr. Pop-Tart has is that he is meant to be consumed fresh out of the toaster, so I could toast him up and then consume his warm body while the melted jelly on the inside and his crumbs get all over my bed. I will be warm for the moment that I eat him, but he will not serve me much purpose after he’s gone.
Chester Cheetah
His personality may be flamin’ hot but I don’t think Chester’s got enough meat on him to really give me a good, warm snuggle. But he will try his best.
The Hamburglar
He’ll steal my warmth as he steals my heart. As a certified bad boy I think he might be one of those regular guys who just emits body heat for no good reason. I’d keep him as a snuggle bug, but would be afraid of letting him in my house. He is a thief, after all.
Wendy
She’s a girl, she’s also cold. We would just be struggling to find enough warmth for the both of us.
Charles Entertainment Cheese
I think his old design would make him the perfect warm cuddle companion, but I’m afraid that his redesign makes him too scrawny for me to believe he would be a good fit. With less body mass, there’s less heat and also the bony arms don’t help much either.
The Pillsbury Dough Boy
A perfect companion. Squishy like dough, warm like baked dough.
The Michelin Man
Oh my god, another perfect companion. Probably smells like motor oil, though.
Mr. Clean
He’s shaped like a very regular guy so it’s a hit or a miss. He’s got strong enough arms to make them cushy to cuddle with, and as a tall man I can assume he emits pretty good body heat. He is bald, though, which does affect the warmth quotient a bit. If his head is cold, the rest of him could also be cold.
Green M&M
Not only is she a girl (naturally cold), she’s also made of pure candy and chocolate so she would melt after being in contact with my body heat, and I barely have any. She’s a queen, but not a good companion for a warm winter night.
Phillie Phanatic
YES YES another fuzzy freak, bring him over here!
Victor the Viking
Living in Minnesota, Victor knows how to stay warm in the cold. He’s a big man and an expert of freezing temperatures. I would allow him to keep me warm at night.
Southpaw
He’s furry, he’s green, and he also lives in Chicago so not only is he locally available for a warm cuddle booty call, he is also perfectly made for the task at hand.
If you are a human person with a high body temperature and are not disgusted by the idea of touching me in a platonic manner, please hit me up. You know where to find me.