Pitches for Holiday Movies That Should Exist
So many holiday movies are the same, about a woman from the city coming back to her hometown, finding love, and finding the true meaning of Christmas. That’s all fine and good, but what if we got literally anything else? Here I’ve made a short list of some movies that I would personally love to see on the tiny holiday screen. Netflix, please call me.
The Princess Switch 10: Switched For The Last Time
In the tenth movie of the Princess Switch series on Netflix, there are so many royals looking exactly the same, switching their identities around all the time in the name of romance, and it has become a dangerous international crisis. Now all of the world governments have decreed that ten Vanessa Hudgenses are nine too many. This Christmas, watch each Vanessa Hudgens fight in a bloody (yet very festive) battle to the death to find out who deserves the title of the One True Vanessa.
Don We Now Our Gay Apparel
All this is is the most generic holiday romance movie about two gay people and it’s going to be actually funny and warm-hearted and not whatever that Kristen Stewart movie was. Not a weird, rich Republican politician family in sight. Literally what the fuck was that.
My Life as a Teenage Santa
Nick Santa Claus Jr. just wants to be a regular high school kid, but he’s far from being a normal kid. His dad is the one and only actual Santa! As the oldest Claus kid, Nick Jr. is destined to take on his father’s job once he comes of age, but there’s nothing that Nick wants less than to follow in his dad’s footsteps. Against his dad’s wishes, Nick signed up for the school basketball team (the North Pole is only their winter vacation home, they actually live in a suburb of Cleveland during the rest of the year) in an effort to pursue his own dreams. There’s an emergency in Santa’s workshop and he needs his son’s help, but the biggest basketball game of Nick Santa Jr.’s life is happening at the same time. Can Nick Jr. help his dad and save Christmas while also helping his team make it to the playoffs?
We all know of the spooky tale of Krampus (otherwise known as Evil Santa), scaring all the children who have been very bad this year. But what if Krampus wasn’t a scary looking man-goat creature but actually was extremely sexy? Kendra Williams has been a very naughty girl this year, spending her holiday season buying out local businesses in her hometown in order to demolish them to build a giant Amazon fulfillment center, ruining countless lives of families she grew up with. She runs into an extremely sexy guy who tries to get her to reconsider her nefarious ways and instead be nice in the Christmas spirit. Even though he is very sexy, Kendra will not change her mind or her career goals. Unfortunately for her, this very sexy man is Krampus and she’s about to be punished.
There are many movies about Santa’s toy workshop, but what about the mines that get all the coal for the bad kids? In this intense documentary, we get a first-time look into the lives of Santa’s less fortunate elves, stuck working the coal mines of the North Pole. With climate change ruining the Arctic, these coal elves are worried that their only source of income might go away with new environmental regulations and with the global cultural shift of not giving a shit if kids were naughty or nice. People hate coal, and these elves feel like people hate them too. Can Santa do the right thing and help these coal elves find a purpose for living again? Why the fuck did he banish certain elves to work in the coal mines for generations at the start? That’s insanely fucked up. After watching this film, you will never see St. Nick the same way again. It is nominated for three Academy Awards.
Elena moved from her hometown to the big city, not to be a high-powered businesswoman but to be a practicing witch and to be left the fuck alone. She hates Christmas for all the consumerism, but still reluctantly takes a visit to her parents’ house for the holidays after being guilted into it for the last three years. While walking around the town square, she runs into her old high school bully, Derek. He doesn’t recognize her at first and starts flirting with her and talking about how much he loves Christmas. After revealing her identity and admitting that she’s more of a solstice girl, Derek takes it upon himself to try and get Elena into the Christmas cheer. His generically attractive cheekbones are not enough to save him, for Elena ends up killing him.
I Saw Mommy Get a DM from Santa Claus
Sharon is a successful suburban mom of two, has a great job, and a husband she loves very much. She also used to date Santa Claus on-and-off in college. She would say that Santa was her first love, but things just didn’t work out. He needed to move up to the North Pole once he got his bachelor’s degree in business and merchandising, and Sharon had to go back to her hometown to take care of her dad. Years later, she’s moved on and she assumed Santa did too. One night in mid-December, Sharon got a simple “u up?” text from a number she had long forgotten about—Santa’s. He’s in town, Mrs. Claus is looking for a divorce, and things are about to get weird.
Real World: North Pole
What’s Bernard doing after the Santa Clause days? Is he still as hot as you thought he was when you were eight years old? Why not find out with this reboot of the iconic reality show, The Real World? We have Bernard and some other less important characters from various Christmas movie properties, such as Jack Skellington, the narwhal from Elf, and Jack Frost from that animated movie that teens on Tumblr were horny for in 2010, stuck living in a house together one very wild Christmas season. This house is gonna stop getting jolly and start getting real.