MASCOT MADNESS

68 mascots, only one can win

Hello, all you freaks and basketball lovers. Tonight as I am writing this is St. Patrick’s day, which means that I am still kind of recovering from a weekend hangover and am at least still fairly dehydrated. It also means that March Madness is underway, and everyone’s getting their brackets ready for friendly competition and maybe a little legal or illegal sports betting. I have also learned recently that groups of men will go and get vasectomies together during this week so that when they have to sit around and recover and can’t have sex with their wives/girlfriends/sneaky links, they distract themselves with neverending amounts of college basketball. This could also be about hair transplants, I do not recall. I don’t know what goes on in the hive mind of a group of straight men and I actually hope to never find out.

ANYWAYS, I like to participate in sports-related events without knowing much about sports. At the end of the day, the outcome of a bunch of basketball games is not something that you can predict. Sure, there are teams that are really good, but those teams can still lose all the time. You never know what’s going to happen. That’s why I like to make my bracket based on how much I like the mascots, since mascots are the best part of sports anyways.

So what is the criteria for Best Mascot of March? Last year I determined by most sexy, which sexiness is still a metric I will be accounting for (I am NOT a furry, I am just attracted to charisma!!!!!). Other metrics include: vibes, if they are an actual mascot versus a live animal (instant disqualifier), and overall great design. Sex appeal is important, but design and social impact are also crucial factors in figuring out who is the best mascot of them all.

FIRST ROUND

The first round is going to be a lighting round because there are simply too many teams and I do not have the time or patience to write about all of them. (That is a lie, I would love to comment on some of the first-round losers but I really do not have the time.)

EAST

Duke vs. Siena - DUKE

Ohio vs. TCU - OHIO (tough call but Brutus is goated)

St. Johns vs. Northern Iowa - NORTHERN IOWA

Kansas vs. Cal Baptist - CAL BAPTIST

Louisville vs. South Florida - LOUISVILLE

Michigan State vs. North Dakota State - NORTH DAKOTA STATE

UCLA vs. UCF - UCLA

UConn vs. Furman - UCONN (why are there SO MANY knights???)

WEST

Arizona vs. LIU - LIU

Villanova vs. Utah State - UTAH STATE

Wisconsin vs. High Point - WISCONSIN

Arkansas vs. Hawaii - ARKANSAS (I don’t like to include human mascots, but he is cool)

BYU vs. Texas/NC State - TEXAS

Gonzaga vs. Kennesaw State - GONZAGA

Miami vs. Missouri - MIAMI

Purdue vs. Queens - QUEENS (get that coal miner OUT of here!)

SOUTH

Florida vs. PVAM - FLORIDA

Clemson vs. Iowa - IOWA (Clemson’s eyes are so scary

Vanderbilt vs. McNeese - McNEESE (hate to see two cowboys against each other)

Nebraska vs. Troy - NEBRASKA

North Carolina vs. VCU - NORTH CAROLINA

Illinois vs. Penn - ILLINOIS (IL is unofficial but I hate that pirate looking mf I’ll allow it)

Saint Mary’s vs. Texas A&M - SAINT MARY’S (I don’t like St. Mary’s but real dogs are automatically out)

Houston vs. Idaho - HOUSTON

MIDWEST

Michigan vs. Howard - HOWARD (my bracket is already fucked because Michigan does NOT have a mascot and they are usually good at basketball, this is FINE)

Georgia vs. St. Louis - ST. LOUIS (honestly what the hell is going on with both their heads. I picked the most fucked-up head)

Texas Tech vs. Akron - AKRON

Alabama vs. Hofstra - ALABAMA

Tennessee vs. Miami Ohio/SMU - Miami Ohio/SMU (it doesn’t matter which)

Virginia vs. Wright State - WRIGHT STATE

Kentucky vs. Santa Clara - SANTA CLARA

Iowa State vs. Tennessee State - IOWA STATE

SECOND ROUND: EAST

Duke vs. Ohio

I kept Duke’s Blue Devil in the first round because I do appreciate a mascot that looks like he could belong in Lazytown. Unfortunately for Duke, Brutus from THE Ohio State University is actually such peak design of a mascot that I think it’s going to be hard for the rest of the competition to keep up. I don’t really know what Brutus IS, but that doesn’t matter. His watermelon-shaped head is perfect.
Winner: OHIO

Northern Iowa vs. Cal Baptist

Okay this one is tough because these black cats look cool as hell and the purple pairs really nicely. I usually don’t like mascots that look like a guy, but Lancer of Cal Baptist has that kind of je ne sais quoi that says, “This is acceptable…for now.” I think him putting up his hands in the fingering position helps—this knight in armor probably knows how to please a lady.
Winner: CAL BAPTIST

Louisville vs. North Dakota State

This is a tough one. On one hand, we have a very fly bird. I fear that a lot of birds aren’t going to make it through the first few rounds, which is a shame because as we all know I love birds. On the other side, we have a very cool-looking bull who I think is the kind of attractive that you know he is NOT into women, and that is okay. We are allowed to just observe. Two bad bitches stand before me, but only one can win—and the colorful bird does it this round.
Winner: LOUISVILLE

UCLA vs. UConn

The UConn wolf does look good as far as mascot design goes, but he does look a little too furry-like for my taste. Despite the allegations that nobody is dishing out against me, I’m not super into that kind of Lion King-looking animal, even though I know that Scar was a formative experience for many of my peers. He’s just too manly-looking for my taste, especially when we have a couple of very cute bears on the opposing team. I do have a soft spot for a teddy bear creature, and despite not liking unicorn hunters in real life, in the context of basketball my bisexual ass appreciates when a mascot comes in a pair. They would definitely take care of me.
Winner: UCLA

SECOND ROUND: WEST

LIU vs. Utah State

This one is going to be a tough one. If you look back at last year’s post, I had Utah State winning it all. Just look at Big Blue: he’s blue, he’s buff, and he’s got a bit of a lazy eye which makes him endearing. Blue is great mascot design, but unfortunately LIU’s mascot is a SHARK and this shark looks sick as hell—and we can’t forget about the color scheme. This is why sports are so awesome, you just never know what’s going to happen next. You think you’re in love with one team, and the next year you can drop them almost instantly in the pickings. It’s a brutal world out there.
Winner: LIU

Wisconsin vs. Arkansas

There’s no contest here, Arkansas only got to the second round because the mascot for Hawaii is just a real guy and we’re not here to rank real people. The Wisconsin badger is such, such good mascot design that it’s going to be hard for a lot of other mascots to beat him.
Winner: WISCONSIN

Texas vs. Gonzaga

I’m conflicted about this one. The Texas Longhorns’ main mascot is a live animal named Bevo, but as I am googling their mascot, I also see pictures of this little guy and they look modern enough for it to count. On the other team, there is Spike the bulldog representing Gonzaga. His design is fairly exquisite for a school that has a bulldog as a mascot. I have a little bit of disdain for bulldog mascots because my high school also was a bulldog and we had that same shitty clipart as the rest of them. Also, the mascot form of Bevo does have a cute little cowboy hat, which is important to me.
Winner: TEXAS

Miami vs. Queens

Okay, this is the first real upset of the night. I have so much good to say about both, and it is so difficult to have to pit two bad bitches against each other. Like I am literally crying and throwing up right now (never mind that it’s 12:35am). I fucking love a duck mascot, and Miami’s is so good. He’s got character and swag. He’s also got a little hat. But do you know who has a little hat, too?? OKAY WAIT. I googled the wrong Queens university and the original one I thought was the right one had a bear with a little dapper plaid beret thing, but that school is in CANADA and is the wrong school. The Queens we’re talking about is in North Carolina and its mascot is Rex the Lion. He’s just a lion, and while he would still win round one—because I fucking HATE the Purdue mascot—he’s not gonna make it past this round.
Winner: MIAMI

SECOND ROUND: SOUTH

Florida vs. Iowa

I lied, THIS is going to be the real hard one. The Florida gators are goated, their colors are very fun and exciting, and they are a couple, which does intrigue my bisexual tendencies (editor’s note: this is NOT an invitation for you to propose a threesome unless you are hotter than both these mascots in question). Hawkeye does have really good teeth, though, and that is also important when finding a partner, and being a winner. Upon closer inspection, while still fierce, Hawkeye does have kinder eyes.
Winner: IOWA

McNeese vs. Nebraska

Ugh, how did we get into the second round and we still have Guys against Guys. There’s something about the mascot just being a giant puppet version of a human man that puts me off. I think it partially stems from my alma mater having a humanoid mascot of a Viking that I was not built for, and thus could never be the mascot because it did require having the build of an average wrestling man. Sexisim, I tell you! Here, we have Freaky Cowboy up against Less Freaky Cowboy, and I’m not saying freaky endearingly.
Winner: NEBRASKA

North Carolina vs. Illinois

So if you didn’t know, the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign mascot for a long time was the Fighting Illini, and in recent years that was retired because it was pretty racist. There is no official mascot, but they have unofficially introduced Kingfisher: a pretty cool bird. I do like the design and hope this becomes more official, but I cannot allow UIUC to continue on in this fight. I only gave them a chance because I really hate the Penn State mascot. Also, Rameses is beautiful in both design and spirit.
Winner: NORTH CAROLINA

Saint Mary’s vs. Houston

Saint Mary’s mascot is an abomination, looking like what Clavicular is going to look like in 25 years (plastic sheen included). On top of that, the Houston mascots are a pair of cats who look good and are normal-looking mascots.
Winner: HOUSTON

SECOND ROUND: MIDWEST

Howard vs. St. Louis

I feel bad for Howard because their mascots are quite good: there’s a bull and then another bull who has red lipstick on to indicate that she’s a LADY bull. St. Louis still has that fucking shield face guy. Who would have thought to make a head the same size and shape of a shield and attach it to a buff male figure?
Winner: ST. LOUIS

Akron vs. Alabama

Sorry to the cutest elephant around, Alabama, there is NO WAY I can let you proceed when we have the LEGEND, the ICON that is Zippy of Akron University. One of the only canonically female mascots in the entire university mascot expanded universe, her design is basically perfect. I mean just LOOK at her. She’s got swag and a cool little hat.
Winner: AKRON

Miami Ohio/SMU vs. Wright State

As of writing, I don’t know if Miami Ohio or SMU won, but either of those mascots look better than Wright’s, which are goofy and fun but look like they were found in the bottom of a Goodwill bin.
Winner: Miami Ohio/SMU

Santa Clara vs. Iowa State

Iowa State is a classic bird, similar to the other Iowa school that people would draw and quarter you for mixing up in conversation. This seems to be a trend where birds initially excite me, but then they seem to fall a little short later on. This is unfortunate, but then there’s Bucky the Bronco of Santa Clara University, who is a buff horse. I’m not saying that this is my type exactly—there are tons of very precise and scientific factors for my decisions—but the way that he’s laying down, sensual but also inviting and casual, means that he wins this time.
Winner: SANTA CLARA

SWEET 16

Ohio State vs. Cal Baptist

While I do appreciate the fingering finger guns, Brutus of Ohio State still stands strong as a top player in mascot design. I love this guy so much.
Winner: OHIO STATE

Louisville vs. UCLA

When it comes to good mascot design, a major element is the color scheme. As a mascot, as the main source of entertainment on the field/court outside of the players, you really want to stand out. The UCLA bears are cute and their fur pairs well with the light blue of their outfits, but the Louisville bird does a great job standing out with red feathers and an innate ability to do the splits. He’s got a competitive look in his eyes in a way that says, “I can win Renée’s fucked up March Madness bracket.”
Winner: LOUISVILLE

LIU vs. Wisconsin

I know I chose to go on this journey together with you, but this shit hurts and I am making myself depressed. I do not want to say goodbye to the Wisconsin badger, but I think I must. When it comes to who is the best mascot, a lot of it comes down to charisma. Bucky Badger’s look is unique and iconic—a popular sign you see around the yards in the Chicagoland area—but is he the most fun out of these two? Unfortunately, a blue shark is going to win the fun competition every time.
Winner: LIU

Texas vs. Miami

A tiny hat face-off!!! Here we have a bull with a tiny little cowboy hat versus an angry duck with a tiny little sailor hat. I do personally think that while birds as a whole are a toss-up, duck mascots are some of the best in the game. There’s just something about seeing a giant duck that excites me. I think it’s because I am a water sign and ducks are birds of the water. On the other hand, I do not have a lot of earth in my chart, so a cowboy is less interesting to me.
Winner: MIAMI

Iowa vs. Nebraska

Nebraska only got this far through a fluke, and also because college sports seem to have way more humanoid mascots than I would ever care for. This cowboy guy is the least terrible out of everyone, but it’s still not good. Meanwhile, the Iowa Hawkeye is still looking fly as hell.
Winner: IOWA

North Carolina vs. Houston

The pair of cats from Houston may be cute and cuddly, but at the end of the day they look just like any other cat-like mascot. Rameses from North Carolina is not only beautiful, he is unique. The color palette, the design, there’s really no comparison. And I have to do what I feel is right.
Winner: NORTH CAROLINA

Saint Louis vs. Akron

Here we have a fight between one of the most interesting-in-a-fucked-up-way mascots versus one of the baddest bitches to ever do it. I am sad to say goodbye to the shield head guy, but the novelty is wearing off and we’re in the big leagues now. Zippy the Kangaroo is one of my all-time favorite designs and I do hope she goes far in this battle—for everyone’s sake.
Winner: AKRON

SMU/Miami Ohio vs. Santa Clara

As of this writing, the game is not set yet but I need to publish this before we know who actually makes it into the tournament. Luckily for me, either SMU or Miami Ohio, with Peruna the Pony and Swoop the RedHawk are not going to cut it out against Bucky the Bronco anyways. I do really enjoy Peruna’s character, but when competing horse versus horse in a sports game, I have to still go with the horse with a toned body. It’s not really about what I would want in a long-term partner, but who would be more rousing as entertainment at a basketball game.
Winner: SANTA CLARA

ELITE EIGHT

Ohio State vs. Louisville

Louie the Bird, you have had a long run and this is a valiant effort, but tonight I will have to say goodbye. I don’t think this will be forever, but I can no longer support you on this journey of the best March Madness mascot. Your bright colors and ability to jump around did not go unappreciated. The thing is, Brutus is right there and just LOOK at him.
Winner: OHIO STATE

LIU vs. Miami

When we get down to the nitty gritty, things get tough for me spiritually. I have had so much praise for both mascots during this whole thing, but now I have to choose a winner when two winners stand before me. The shark guy, despite how cool he is, is just not as cool as a duck. I don’t even think that statement is true, I just have a very strong duck bias. Everyone has flaws—even me. Especially me. Miami’s little sailor hat is going to carry this duck over to the next round.
Winner: MIAMI

Iowa vs. North Carolina

What the fuck, what the fuck!! How did I get here!! I have to compare two hunks with equally intense but different levels of charisma and intrigue. Fuck!!! The Iowa Hawkeye has come after my heart with his infectious smirk showing off some perfect teeth. Rameses has, once again, come out looking like a smokeshow. Oh, this is so hard! I feel bad letting anyone go at this point, but it has to be done.
Winner: NORTH CAROLINA

Akron vs. Santa Clara

There are good mascots, and then there are S-tier mascots. Bucky the Bronco has had a good run. He’s been able to really hold his own through this competition off of swag alone. But there isn’t enough flexing a horse man can do to outshine the star that IS Zippy the Kangaroo.
Winner: AKRON

FINAL FOUR

Ohio State vs. North Carolina

Wow. How did we get here? This is one of the hardest decisions I will ever have to make in my life (so far) and I did this to myself 100 percent voluntarily. In fact, I don’t think any of you wanted me to do this at all, but here we are. Brutus. Wow. What a specimen, what an iconic figure. Rameses. What an icon as well. Both are so good in their design. I do think for this kind of tiebreaker that we do have to think about sex appeal. While Brutus has the privilege of being just a goofy little guy, Rameses is a big beefcake and that is what is more important. I’m not saying this about my personal preferences, but let’s imagine that this bracket is casting for the mascot version of Love Island.
Winner: NORTH CAROLINA

Miami vs. Akron

Fuck, once again this is going to be a tough call. I fucking love ducks but I also really love Zippy. I think, though, for the purposes of this being a sports competition at its core, Sebastian the Ibis does have more of a fighting spirit. Zippy is peak design, but similar to Brutus is more just like a friendly gal instead of a mascot to aid you in battle. I’m sorry to shoot down the only girl in the final four, but I am also a problematic bisexual so it tracks.
Winner: MIAMI

FINAL ROUND

North Carolina vs. Miami

Here it is: the final round. We have Rameses representing North Carolina and Sebastian for Miami. A ram and a duck. This whole process has left me an emotional mess, and it’s all my fault. Both of these mascots are well-made with character and thought built into their design. They also both have very animated faces, really bringing out their personalities. College basketball is no joke, and these fellas are ready to win it all. While I just said previously that this competition is leading beefcake to me, I do like the raw scrappiness that Sebastian brings to the table, little sailor hat and all. At the end of the day, the sea calls out to me and I know what I have to do.
Winner: MIAMI

And that’s all for now, folks. P.S. I found out that my new grad school does NOT have a mascot and just has a dog, which is disappointing. But we move on.