Looking through the newest American Girl Doll catalog

The Wish Book, Holiday 2022 to be exact.

A couple of weeks ago I found something I didn’t expect to find in my mailbox (and it wasn’t my new dental insurance card, which I still have not received)—the newest American Girl catalog. I didn’t know who or what force had put the catalog in my home since, while I am very into AG recently I did not manually sign up for a catalog subscription. But then I remembered that just a few months ago I spent over $130 fixing (and I mean, completely replacing all the parts of) my own American Girl dolls at their hospital, and they probably just send over catalogs to any person who would do that. 

When I was a young girl (and at an appropriate age to be really into these dolls), the American Girl catalog was a big fucking deal. Every time a new one came in I would spend hours poring over the pages and circling all the things that I wanted. I never got any of the things that I wanted (after the original outfit sets I got for Christmas, all new outfits were made by my mom and all furniture was bought at Target from those off-brand dolls that were the same size), but the act of looking through a catalog and wishing to get material items was such a fun part of being an American child. Being an American adult is not that fun, but at least I have adult money to buy some of these doll accessories (I wouldn’t). Some of them are pretty cool!

The first page of this booklet shows the Sapphire Splendor collectible doll. It’s been almost twenty years since I’ve been in the loop for American Girl dolls but when did they start making collectible AG dolls? 

I’ve got some personal beef with the concept of expensive collectible dolls ever since my five year-old self was shamed by my grandma (who was the gift giver) after I opened the box of this gorgeous Millennium Barbie, thus ruining the resale value forever. Then my parents gave me a collectible Ariel Barbie a year later and my brother immediately started peeling the decorative pearls off her tail (I took her out of the box obviously), making this expensive collectible just another piece of toy garbage. This American Girl collectible doll is beautiful—the color scheme is amazing, the hair is incredible, and there are more than 100 Swarovski crystals adorning this dress. For the small price of $265, a parent can buy this for a child who will never be allowed to play with this doll. Children have no business being around Swarovski crystals. They wouldn’t even know the difference between those and regular old plastic gems. Who is this doll for?

I don’t know if there would be a big enough market for this to be profitable, but I think that American Girl should make their matching clothes sets be able to fit adults. Not like tiny adults but go up to sizes 16+. I would like to wear this for a nice holiday photo with me and my dolls (because I will never find love to have a family with actual human people in it).

Okay so they’ve got expensive dolls with a permanent messy bun now? And how is this girl supposed to fit in this bed that is almost too small for her dog? 

American Girls are on average like eight or nine years old so how the fuck could they be big enough to operate a moped with a dog side-car? Then again, my parents did buy my brother a mini motorcycle when he was that age and he drove that thing on the streets with absolutely no license or training so who am I to judge.

Thank you American Girl for telling young girls that they, too, can become blue-haired baristas when they are older. When I was a young girl, my dream was to become an impoverished girl in Ohio who liked baseball because Kit Kittredge was the only doll I had. Some of those things came true. 

Once again, it looks like AG is putting these literal children into very adult situations. Kids can’t even drink espresso (or they shouldn’t) and you’re putting them behind the counter? Is this a ploy to get kids excited about working low-paying jobs just because it looks fun? I’m suspicious.

While this flight looks absolutely luxurious, I don’t think I could handle the guilt of myself or my American Girl doll taking this luxury flight with just a few friends. Think of the carbon footprint! These dolls are no better than, say, Kylie Jenner or Taylor Swift! We need a more accurate Spirit Airlines Economy Class set—it would look like shit and make kids everywhere feel bad.

Come on now, AG! Harry Potter was so ten years ago (back when the author wasn’t so blatantly a TERF)! The kids buying American Girl dolls now aren’t even old enough to be able to read Harry Potter when it was actually popular. Save the kids and keep them ignorant about Hogwarts and all that shit.

For the Halloween costume part of this catalog, I have to say that the sparkly pumpkin is my favorite. I once went as a pumpkin for my kindergarten class Halloween party and everyone made fun of me for some reason and I cried. Then in high school I went as a pumpkin again. These were two pumpkin costumes of the same set—my parents were once matching pumpkins with me, a little pumpkin. The witch costume is fine but feels lacking. The skeleton costume didn’t even try. 

I don’t know much about the lore of the new historical dolls but I am here to make assumptions. Maryellen, the 1950’s doll, probably loves John Wayne movies and if she’s still alive definitely votes Republican. Courtney (1980’s) is dressed like the Crystal Starshooter, a video game character she created. I like Courtney from what I know about her, so I am going to assume that she’s the reason why the Metaverse people don’t have legs because she is trying to sabotage Mark Zuckerberg personally. 

A new historical doll has dropped and her name is Claudie and she is a girl growing up in the year 1922. All of her clothes and accessories are so fucking cute. I’m literally obsessed with all of them. She is a girl with style. 

Molly is BACK you guys! 

I think everyone growing up loved Molly but reading her books as an adult made me realize that Molly is a huge bitch.

I literally have a whole stand-up bit about how the first American Girl doll your parents give you sets your personality up for life. For instance, I had Kit and now I am poor, gay, and like baseball. My parents had it coming to them after I decided to cut my hair into a bob like Kit’s when I was six. I can go on, but that will have to be another piece for another day.