Introducing: The American Girl Dystopia Doll
Read to the end for a special surprise.
Hello readers. I am coming to you today with a text version of a comedy bit that I did onstage Saturday night: the dystopia line for American Girl dolls. This may be considered newsletter cheating since it’s just a rehash of old, used content, but I know for a fact that exactly two newsletter readers were at the show, so why the fuck not? It’s been a busy weekend, with a billion birthday parties (what the fuck is up, geminis?) and shows. And I’m doing all this for free.
Let’s welcome the newest American Girl: Birdie Penrose! The dystopia doll!
Birdie is an eleven year-old living in 2075 in the beautiful city of Cleveland, Ohio. Climate change and AI won and all the good cities have been effectively destroyed, so Cleveland is the central metropolis of the United States—the best city we’ve got.
She lives with her mom, dad, and older sister together in a small apartment downtown. She also has a brother named Jasper, but he disappeared a year ago (very important for the plot).
Birdie enjoys reading and learning but has to go to underground school because reading and learning is illegal now. Other than that, there’s not much to do because electricity is hard to come by, but she likes to collect old consumer goods like CDs, vintage Pokemon cards, and meme shirts from the 2020s that became outdated within two months of conception.
Baseball is still alive as America’s greatest pastime and she is a huge fan of the Cleveland Indians (the Guardians were forced to go back to their old name after an anti-woke bill passed in 2029).
Her name is Birdie as a way to remember birds, a species that is rare to find. She has never eaten a fresh vegetable from the ground, except for corn. Everything is just corn.
But that’s not even the juicy stuff that matters for the dystopia line. We’ve created a whole separate book series for when she’s a teenager to fill that need for more Young Adult dystopia novels. In three years’ time on her 14th birthday, she is going to have to set out on a journey to find her missing brother—with the help of her best friend Kira and her crush (but not boyfriend!) Viper. She is the only one who can dismantle the entire government through uncovering the truth. She and Viper will kiss, and there will be another boy named Xander who she will go back and forth over who she wants to be with, and then they end up in a polycule anyways because this is the future we’re talking about.
Birdie’s collection includes:
One rag dress
One baggy pair of cargo pants
One t-shirt of the Costco Guys (all traces of Costco were destroyed for being too communist)
A doll-sized copy of Fahrenheit 451
A Molotov cocktail
A jar of government-issued “pickles”
A ratty stray cat named Pickles
Fun fact! Birdie is the direct descendant of American Girl’s very own Maryellen Larkin, the polio girl from 1954! Polio is very common now that vaccines are also illegal.
This week on Wednesday I will be performing in Beyond Believing: A Fact or Fiction Comedy Show. This is my third time performing on this show and it’s a great time every time. You get to guess if I’m lying or not! Show is at the Newport Theater at 7:30pm. Get tickets here.
Next Wednesday (6/11) I’m also going to be doing a set at Lavender Laugh Lounge for their pride month show. That’s at Whiskey Girl Tavern at 7:00pm. Get those tickets!