How F*ckable is Each M&M?

Image Credit: Mars, Incorporated via PRNewswire

Sometimes it’s hard to write about a timely topic when this newsletter only goes out once a week. You never know how long something is about to stay relevant in the cultural zeitgeist these days, and there’s nothing more embarrassing than writing a whole thing about something that was so three days ago. That being said, I would like to touch on the news that Ms. Green M&M lost her sexy boots and is now sporting some white sneakers as of last week. The internet were in a tizzy over this, complaining that the change in her footwear makes Green M&M frumpy and totally unsexy. Obviously this is the worst tragedy that has ever happened in our lifetime.

While the loss of some knee-high boots isn’t the end of the world for me, someone with great taste in women and in chocolate candy, this still got me thinking about the M&M’s characters as a whole. They’re here, they’re alive, and it seems like they’re down to fuck. So to me personally, how fuckable is each M&M? Let’s dig in.

Red M&M
Red M&M definitely has Main Character Syndrome. In a group of color-coded friends, red always signifies the leader and this case is no different. I would assume that the creators of Red M&M made him out to be the most desirable of all the M&M’s, but I won’t fall for that. In his bio on the official M&M website, he brags way too much about being charismatic and smart. He also claims his biggest weakness is “being a perfectionist.” I’m sorry, but that is not a weakness! That is a fake weakness only someone who has never spent a second looking within themselves would claim is a weakness. 

According to the M&M’s Characters Wiki, Red M&M says he’s in his 30s, but in a 2010 commercial admits that he is 46 years old. That just shows that Red M&M is a liar and thinks he’s too good to date women his own age, which is another major red flag (he is the color of a giant red flag…coincidence?). Overall, I couldn't care less that Red M&M is a perfect circle shape. He’s way too obsessed with himself, and to me that is a total turn off. It’s a big no for me!

Yellow M&M
Yellow M&M is just a guy, Red M&M’s best friend, but he deserves more love and recognition. Sure, he’s just some guy, but we love that about him. According to his official page, he’s got a pet rock and a pet fish and is possibly looking for more hypoallergenic pets to have. As someone with allergies, I love that Yellow M&M is also a guy with allergies. It’s a really humbling trait to have, and I love a humbled man. 

He’s down to Earth, he likes scary stories, he has a great sense of humor, and he’s got a kind heart. Does this make the Yellow M&M fuckable? Absolutely. But honestly, he would be great boyfriend material. He’s the kind of guy who would give you flowers just because. I’d like to be held close at night by Yellow M&M.

Orange M&M
There’s one thing on Orange M&M’s mind and one thing only: and that is anxiety. Orange M&M is an anxious piece of candy. He doesn’t sleep because he doesn’t know how to relax. Any moment of weakness and he fears he will be eaten. I mean, he’s still here but there was a time where Pretzel Guy was surgically inserted into him so I can kind of see where his fear comes from. 

That being said, I would like to give Orange M&M a chance. I think it would be nice to give him a reason to unwind, but he does seem like the exact type of candy who would cry mid-sex while you’re on top of him. Even so, he may be open to pegging because he’s already had other people inside him before (just Pretzel Guy). There’s a lot going on with Orange.

Green M&M
Here she is, the star of the show and the whole reason why I got to thinking about the sexy factor of M&M’s in the first place. Green M&M is a classic beauty. She’s got come-hither eyes and really nice lips. She is the definition of a girlboss. She knows how hard it is to be in a male-dominated candy world, and she knows what she needs to do to rise on top. Her catchphrase is, “I melt for no one,” for a reason!

For me, the new shoes aren’t the problem. The go-go boots and the sneakers are just two sides of the same vibe. She’s ready to crush skulls and take names—Green M&M does not fuck around, especially when it comes to her success and the success of those closest to her. Adopting a new pair of kicks just shows that she’s going to the next level of intensity. As a lover, she would have a wonderful romantic evening with me and then wake me up at 5:30 a.m. the next morning to go run a marathon that wasn’t originally planned and yell at me the whole time that she did this for my own sake. That’s just too much for me.  

Brown M&M
Now here’s the big winner—Brown M&M has got that sexy librarian thing going on. She looks like she’d punish me for returning a book a day late. I don’t know if I want to be with Brown M&M or if I want to just be her. She’s both a role model and a dream girlfriend. Just like Green, though, she’s intimidating, but in a different and exciting way.

Blue M&M
Blue is a cool guy. He likes a moonlit night, jazz, and spending time with a nice lady. He’s confident and is always chill, just like the color blue. I think that Blue M&M would be a good lover, take you on a nice date and then bring you home to fuzzy blankets, R&B tunes, and some rose petals but will be gone by the time you wake up without a trace. Blue M&M is a mystery, but an experience that will change your life for the better. He definitely will eat you out for 45 minutes straight.