How F*ckable is Each M&M?
Sometimes it’s hard to write about a timely topic when this newsletter only goes out once a week. You never know how long something is about to stay relevant in the cultural zeitgeist these days, and there’s nothing more embarrassing than writing a whole thing about something that was so three days ago. That being said, I would like to touch on the news that Ms. Green M&M lost her sexy boots and is now sporting some white sneakers as of last week. The internet were in a tizzy over this, complaining that the change in her footwear makes Green M&M frumpy and totally unsexy. Obviously this is the worst tragedy that has ever happened in our lifetime.
While the loss of some knee-high boots isn’t the end of the world for me, someone with great taste in women and in chocolate candy, this still got me thinking about the M&M’s characters as a whole. They’re here, they’re alive, and it seems like they’re down to fuck. So to me personally, how fuckable is each M&M? Let’s dig in.
Red M&M definitely has Main Character Syndrome. In a group of color-coded friends, red always signifies the leader and this case is no different. I would assume that the creators of Red M&M made him out to be the most desirable of all the M&M’s, but I won’t fall for that. In his bio on the official M&M website, he brags way too much about being charismatic and smart. He also claims his biggest weakness is “being a perfectionist.” I’m sorry, but that is not a weakness! That is a fake weakness only someone who has never spent a second looking within themselves would claim is a weakness.
According to the M&M’s Characters Wiki, Red M&M says he’s in his 30s, but in a 2010 commercial admits that he is 46 years old. That just shows that Red M&M is a liar and thinks he’s too good to date women his own age, which is another major red flag (he is the color of a giant red flag…coincidence?). Overall, I couldn't care less that Red M&M is a perfect circle shape. He’s way too obsessed with himself, and to me that is a total turn off. It’s a big no for me!
Yellow M&M is just a guy, Red M&M’s best friend, but he deserves more love and recognition. Sure, he’s just some guy, but we love that about him. According to his official page, he’s got a pet rock and a pet fish and is possibly looking for more hypoallergenic pets to have. As someone with allergies, I love that Yellow M&M is also a guy with allergies. It’s a really humbling trait to have, and I love a humbled man.
He’s down to Earth, he likes scary stories, he has a great sense of humor, and he’s got a kind heart. Does this make the Yellow M&M fuckable? Absolutely. But honestly, he would be great boyfriend material. He’s the kind of guy who would give you flowers just because. I’d like to be held close at night by Yellow M&M.
There’s one thing on Orange M&M’s mind and one thing only: and that is anxiety. Orange M&M is an anxious piece of candy. He doesn’t sleep because he doesn’t know how to relax. Any moment of weakness and he fears he will be eaten. I mean, he’s still here but there was a time where Pretzel Guy was surgically inserted into him so I can kind of see where his fear comes from.
That being said, I would like to give Orange M&M a chance. I think it would be nice to give him a reason to unwind, but he does seem like the exact type of candy who would cry mid-sex while you’re on top of him. Even so, he may be open to pegging because he’s already had other people inside him before (just Pretzel Guy). There’s a lot going on with Orange.
Here she is, the star of the show and the whole reason why I got to thinking about the sexy factor of M&M’s in the first place. Green M&M is a classic beauty. She’s got come-hither eyes and really nice lips. She is the definition of a girlboss. She knows how hard it is to be in a male-dominated candy world, and she knows what she needs to do to rise on top. Her catchphrase is, “I melt for no one,” for a reason!
For me, the new shoes aren’t the problem. The go-go boots and the sneakers are just two sides of the same vibe. She’s ready to crush skulls and take names—Green M&M does not fuck around, especially when it comes to her success and the success of those closest to her. Adopting a new pair of kicks just shows that she’s going to the next level of intensity. As a lover, she would have a wonderful romantic evening with me and then wake me up at 5:30 a.m. the next morning to go run a marathon that wasn’t originally planned and yell at me the whole time that she did this for my own sake. That’s just too much for me.
Now here’s the big winner—Brown M&M has got that sexy librarian thing going on. She looks like she’d punish me for returning a book a day late. I don’t know if I want to be with Brown M&M or if I want to just be her. She’s both a role model and a dream girlfriend. Just like Green, though, she’s intimidating, but in a different and exciting way.
Blue is a cool guy. He likes a moonlit night, jazz, and spending time with a nice lady. He’s confident and is always chill, just like the color blue. I think that Blue M&M would be a good lover, take you on a nice date and then bring you home to fuzzy blankets, R&B tunes, and some rose petals but will be gone by the time you wake up without a trace. Blue M&M is a mystery, but an experience that will change your life for the better. He definitely will eat you out for 45 minutes straight.