Horoscopes for Taurus Season 2025
Praise it, blaze it, maybe it's Maybelline.
4/20 this year marked so many things: Easter, the weed day, Taurus season. It’s fun when the holidays collide and you can praise it while also blazing it. This season is all about hanging out and doing what you want, even if what you want is a months-long slumber. Oh, how I wish to sleep and not have to do anything. We should all just protest our busy lives by quitting doing anything at all. Like a general strike, but just for me (and ideally with no negative consequences).
Aries
While you’re just existing, minding your own business, a younger person (a child maybe) will come up to you, kick you in the shins, and steal $20 up to your entire phone worth in value. You won’t be able to do anything about it because this kid can outrun you. You’re just old now.
Taurus
Happy birthday, Taurus! You deserve only the best this month (and maybe even all year?). Your penchant for lavish things and sweet treats will come to a head in the next coming weeks. On your birthday, you will wake up and discover that with the touch of your right ring finger, you are able to will anything into Albanese gummy bears. With this new power, you will never have trouble being satiated by good-quality gummy candy.
Gemini
Lots of things have been swishing around in that brain you have—so much so that all your dreams, passions, and fears have manifested into an actual visible imaginary friend named Pete. Only you can see Pete, but he is able to interact with your physical world. Pete is cute at first, a cuddly orange little monster guy, but he can change form depending on how you’re feeling. He is all of your emotions, after all. You won’t ever be able to get rid of Pete once he manifests, not without saying the magic words.
Cancer
This month is all about fostering community, and since nobody else seems to want to put in the work into fostering meaningful, intimate relationships with a group of people, it seems as though you have been silently delegated to that task. Good for you, and unfortunately for them, this means that you can just kind of start your own religion and nobody will have any better ideas. Better to start looking into real estate for duplexes and 12-room mansions that you and your commune can live together in a few years, where there will be a lot of fights over who has to do the dishes.
Leo
You are feeling a lot of passion within your heart. It is time to go to the courts and let the world know that you are against makeup testing on animals because your dog is an animal and you love your animal dog. Oh wait, that’s just the plot of Legally Blonde 2? Well, there sure aren’t any other causes to be passionate about these days…surely not…
Virgo
This month is all about breaking routine. You need to go to the club. In the club bathroom, you will meet someone so special and will experience one of, if not the, most transformative events of your life. You will come out of that bathroom a changed person.
Libra
You’re feeling emotional this month. For some reason, every time you see a dog anywhere you start to sob uncontrollably. There’s something about their dopey little faces and four legs that really sets you off. Even thinking about a dog will bring you to tears.
Scorpio
It is time to start speaking up more, saying what’s on your mind, even if you are dead wrong. There’s something in the water or something this month because people are just so willing to agree with you, even when you’re quite disagreeable. Your power of persuasion is something that needs to be studied.
Sagittarius
Your house feels like it’s recently become haunted. Stuff keeps falling off the shelves, things you’ve placed in one spot ending up in another completely different spot—stuff like that. It’s not a ghost, though, this is the working of a tiny magical mouse who wants to be your friend.
Capricorn
You are never allowed to have a bad time at a party anymore. You must always be smiling, always appear to be having fun—even if you are actually full of fear. Otherwise, He will find you.
Aquarius
You have recently been looking for a sign, and this month one will finally reach you. You will be contacted by one of your very distant ancestors with a message. The message is telling you the various allergies that have been passed down through generations. You are mostly aware of these allergies at this point in your life. It’s kind of interesting to know that the same ailments have been passed onto you from generations ago. But it is not very helpful overall.
Pisces
If you try planting something from a seed this month, it will probably grow. How exciting!
New show alert! Sarah Dillon and I are co-hosting the first ever show of Clock that Tea: a late-night style show where comedians do standup and then spill a little tea. Our first show is Thursday, 4/24 at 8:00pm in the Uptown Taproom. Tickets are only $5!