We’re a few days into Taurus season already, and what a time it has been! The sun is out (sometimes) and the weather is getting warmer (sometimes) and it feels like there might just be a reason to live after all. Instead of spending time rotting at home, take the time to rot outside while laying on a blanket or something. Become one with the earth. Roll around in the dirt. Be free.
Aries
Something strange is happening to you—every time you try to tell a lie, no matter how small, your left eye starts twitching uncontrollably. When your coworker asks you how your day’s going and you say, “Fine,” your eye goes nuts. When you go on a date that was just okay, don’t even bother trying to say that you had a good time. Don’t even bother going to any family events right now, it isn’t worth it.
Taurus
Happy birthday, Taurus! This month is all about following your dreams, which means that you can become anything when you grow up. Marine biologist? That’s a job that is real and now it’s yours. If the ocean is your jam, there are other opportunities for you to pursue: basement dweller, magician, baker, quirky protagonist of a rom-com who does journalism or something, or anything else your heart desires.
Gemini
While doing a bit of spring cleaning, you find some notes from a former lover tucked away in your junk drawer. Didn’t you throw those out ages ago? Despite feeling like you have successfully moved on, you start to read these old letters and start to remember what being happy and in love once felt like. While reading these notes you start to only remember the good parts of this person and forget all of the bad—the reasons why you ended it in the first place. Whatever you do, don’t call them to say you miss them. It may work in your favor until one day it does not.
Cancer
This is the perfect time to start something new, so take a class! Maybe a pottery class? Classes are the best way to make friends as an adult, maybe even the only way to do it outside of working. You will become friends with a woman who is also taking a pottery class to make friends. While you two are throwing down on the wheel, your new friend will start talking about her life. She’s a bit of an oversharer. She’s going to admit to doing some fairly heinous and/or criminal things and you can’t really do much about it. She scares you a little bit.
Leo
Someone is starting to question your abilities. You must not let them get into your head. You must defeat them in the best way you know how: a 2010-style rap battle.
Virgo
You’ve been itching to get away for a while, so this month you decide to finally take that vacation to a place far, far away. While you’re just chilling alone at a cafe in a new town somewhere, an attractive person sitting in eyesight a few tables away catches your eye. You catch their eye as well, and they come by to talk to you. They are mesmerizing to you and it doesn’t take too long for them to convince you to follow them on a three-day-long romantic whirlwind adventure. In the morning, you expect to see them sleeping next to you but they are gone without a trace. $20 was stolen from your wallet.
Libra
This month is going to be a wild one for you. It’s like everything that can possibly go wrong is going wrong. One day, you think that you’re just going for one of your regular little walks when suddenly you trip over a big rock that was not there before, you break your ankle in the process, and someone immediately steals your phone so you’re not even able to call for help. You’re now at the mercy of kind strangers—if they even show up.
Scorpio
You need a partner in crime—and a good one because you need to do some actual crime. You will need to look for a long-lost friend, one that you used to work with back in the good old days. It’s time for one last job.
Sagittarius
It feels like every day is exactly the same, and in your case it is. You wake up, go to work, have the same conversations with the same people, then go home and feel like you’re in a void. It’s almost like you’re in a time loop…because you are in a time loop. But, your daily life is so boring that it takes a very long time before you actually notice.
Capricorn
You will write up a review of a new album made by a very popular artist. You did not like this album and you say as such. You will be looking for a new apartment in a new city in two weeks’ time.
Aquarius
Someone will approach you and ask you if you remember them. You have never seen this person in your life. They claim that you went to school together and were even friends. Maybe your memory isn’t as good as it used to be, but you still have your doubts.
Pisces
There’s big news ahead! You have been randomly selected to win a lifetime supply of Bonne Maman jam. Hope you like toast!
The Ghost Rats are bringing our Date Night show to the Blackout Cabaret at Second City in May! Get tickets here!