Horoscopes for Gemini Season 2025

Decisions, decisions...

Every year around Gemini season, astrology heads on the internet pose the question: do Geminis deserve to be loved? I may be exaggerating, but a lot of people claim to hate Geminis the most out of all the signs (why, when water signs exist tbh). Some of my favorite people are Geminis, if you can believe it. This month while the sun sits in Gemini, celebrate your favorite twin flames by getting so blackout drunk that you develop a separate personality named Debbie (and/or Dave) that is so powerful you will never unlock them from within you ever again.

Aries
You have been planning a girls’ trip for months, and the prospect of going on a trip is really the only thing helping you keep going right now. Unfortunately the night before everyone who is supposed to go with you gets horrible food poisoning from the restaurant they went to dinner at. I’m talking like really, really bad food poisoning. Almost hospital food poisoning. A lot of the things you booked for this trip are non-refundable. Are you going to eat the cost or go do some stuff alone in a big Airbnb?

Taurus
You found the perfect couch on Facebook Marketplace. You are not in the market for a new couch, but this is literally the couch of your dreams. You think to yourself, “Now is not the right time, but something similar will present itself when I’m ready.” That is WRONG. You will NEVER see anything like this ever again. In fact, if you don’t act now, you will live with a hole in your heart that nothing can fill. This will be your biggest regret.

Gemini
Happy birthday, Gemini! Now that the weather is heating up for the summer, so is your love life. When doing karaoke at a local haunt, you end up doing a duet with a total stranger. You are giving each other eyes through the performance, but you part ways, thinking you will never see each other again. But surprise! You both auditioned for the play in a local theater and have been cast as the two romantic leads! While rehearsing for the play, you fall in love in real life. There is another person in the play who is jealous of you and tries various schemes to break the two of you up, but your love persists.

Cancer
You need to slow down a little bit this month. If you don’t, you’re going to drive straight into a tree and then explode.

Leo
Losing is not something you like to do, but sometimes you have to concede in an argument with a stranger online. Otherwise, they could find your personal home address and send you various letters full of glitter and hire terrible mimes to perform outside your front window.

Virgo
Getting some extra income has been one of your goals this year, and what better way to make a bunch of money than to sell some snake-oil anti-aging cream? With your fast talking, you manage to get every middle-aged woman in a three-mile radius to buy the tiniest tubes of $100 Vaseline. It will take years before the jig goes up in flames.

Libra
Your girlfriend who lives in Canada (and is definitely real) wants to take your relationship to the next step, by getting you to move to Canada. You can’t do it the regular way, though, so you set on a journey to hike through the Montana woods in order to “accidentally” cross over to a new country and never look back. This girlfriend is so real, just trust me.

Scorpio
For some reason lately it feels like no matter what you try to do, you’re bad at everything. Eating a hot dog: the bun falls apart and all the wet ingredients fall all over your clothes. Your laundry always comes out with some weird unexplained stain that wasn’t there before putting it in the washer. It always rains whenever you go outside without an umbrella.

Sagittarius
While cleaning your drunk drawer you found a handful of unused gift cards to The Cheesecake Factory. It’s time to take yourself and two of your closest allies to really ball out to some absurdly-portioned food.

Capricorn
You are at the point in your life where you think it would be a good idea to run a half marathon. Your instincts are correct—run that race and you will be given so much love and attention from friends and family. Nobody’s ever seen someone run a half marathon like you are going to run it!

Aquarius
In another midlife crisis, you feel drawn to ride the open road on a motorcycle and I’m here to tell you that that is a good idea to do. Not only will you feel free, but you will have a very cool-looking jacket that will make you look bad as fuck. When going on one of your rides, you will encounter something unexplainable, maybe even…extraterrestrial? Nobody will believe what you saw but it will change the trajectory of your life forever.

Pisces
You’ve been getting into crafting and want to make your own clothes, but you’re stuck on how to effectively read sewing patterns. Luckily, the mice that live in your walls are actually expert garment craftsmen and through teamwork you will have created a new cool wardrobe.

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This Thursday the 22nd, our second show for Clock that Tea will be happening at 8pm in the Uptown Taproom. Get tickets to hear some of the juiciest and funniest gossip in town!

On Saturday, May 31st Ghost Rats and Cat Bath are debuting their FIRST EVER variety show spectacular: Double Booked Presents 1950s/Dystopia Night. 10:30pm in the Annoyance small theater.