Horoscopes For Gemini Season

Very good and real horoscopes by me, an expert.

On May 20th, the sun left Taurus and went officially into Clown Time—just kidding, it’s now just Gemini season. It’s starting to get warmer outside, and it’s time to get out and enjoy it. Gemini season is always fairly messy, but after being stuck doing nothing but staying inside and going to work for over a year you might find yourself being extra unhinged as you try to figure out how to be a person in public again. Also, from May 29 to June 22 Mercury goes retrograde again, so make sure to not make too many important decisions. Or just use this retrograde as an excuse for anything going wrong this month because that is a good and normal thing to do.

Aries
You will start to get random text messages from an unknown number. They don’t look like spam texts because the grammar is good and actually makes sense. The texts come randomly, sometimes days apart but other times hours apart. All give very specific instructions for places to go and things to look for at those places—a scavenger hunt, if you will. Are you brave enough to follow the anonymous messenger to discover what they want you to find? You’ll never know what’s there for you unless you go after it.

Taurus
In two week’s time you will think that you have found a $100 bill on the sidewalk. This is great news because $100 is a nice chunk of change that could get you a lunch and maybe a new book. You will go down to grab it, but it’s a trap! There is actually a child hiding in the bushes holding an invisible string attached to the bill. You fell for their trap! You will be too embarrassed to try and find out who the prankster was. Now you have no dignity and no extra money.

Gemini
This is the best time of year for you, and there’s nothing that’s going to stop you from enjoying every moment. Nothing can go wrong for you because you’re a Gemini and it’s Gemini season, baby! Even if something does go wrong, you simply will not pay attention to it. As you are engrossed in how amazing you are, you will also be invincible this month. If you cross the street while not paying attention, no car, bus, or bicycle will hit you.*

*For legal reasons, do not expect this to be true. 

Cancer
Remember that box of love letters you wrote to your high school crushes like ten years ago? Yeah that one. Well, through some spring cleaning of your childhood bedroom, someone sent them out since they were addressed (thanks to that handy dandy school directory they used to give out). Is this the plot from the movie To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before? Maybe. But the chances of you getting a cute love story from this is unlikely. Most of the people on your crushes list are now married, in serious relationships, or Republicans and most of them didn’t even know you much back then. To make sure you don’t die from embarrassment, you should probably just delete all social media and hide out in your home for a while.

Leo
It’s time to get the girls back together. Get ahold of your three closest friends and get in the car because it’s road trip time, baby. There’s nothing more than you need right now other than a tent, a lot of booze, and three to five close friends. All that, and the murder mystery that’s about to follow. What? I didn’t say anything about a murder mystery. No, there’s nothing like that, just have fun out in the woods it’s fine.

Virgo
As always, you are a hard-working busy bee! You are a visionary, an entrepreneur, and most importantly, a girlboss. Someone will contact you this month about a new business opportunity. At first you might be skeptical about someone asking you to put in half of your savings into a business that advertises the world’s softest giant pillows, but after being sent a prototype of the pillow you know that it is legit. This is truly the world’s softest giant pillow. You’re going to be rich!

Libra
This is a great new time to try new things, Libra. Try a new recipe, join a class for something you’ve always wanted to try, get you and your roommate to try summoning a demon using an old book you found in your grandma’s basement—the possibilities are endless! 

Scorpio
About ten years ago, you got a chain email from someone who you were no longer super close friends with. The email said that you had to forward this message to ten new people and back to the person who sent it to you. If you didn’t do that, in ten years’ time you will be sucked into your computer screen and trapped in a digital world forever. You most likely ignored this message, since the original sender wasn’t your friend anymore. Also chain emails are fake. At least you think they’re fake.

Sagittarius
One night, you may get woken up with a little voice inside your head telling you to go outside. For some reason, you will follow this advice. When outside, you look up and see a UFO—or at least what you think is a UFO. Anyways, a beam shoots out of it and up you go! Luckily, these aliens don’t want to do anything weird to you, they just heard about how fun you are at parties. After an absolutely wild night, they let you go and just ask that you don’t tell anyone about the cool alien party.

Capricorn
This is going to be hard for you to hear, Capricorn, but you need to have more fun and work less. This is true in general but also more important right now. And I’m not talking fun like a single drink during happy hour—you need to do more than that. You really need to feel something. Like drugs...or if you don’t want to do that, figuring out how a magician’s trick works and running away from him as he tries to eliminate you because you know his secrets. Up to you, though.

Aquarius
Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out who your real friends really are. That’s why this month you should host a reality game show involving all of your friends. Make them do impossibly complicated tasks in an elimination-style format. Put mics everywhere so that you will know if anyone says anything bad about you as you put them all through the ringer. Only the strongest, best of friends will come out of this unscathed. And only then will you truly know who is a real one.

Pisces
The end of spring is a perfect time for you to do a little redecorating of your home to get a nice, fresh look. While you’re moving some furniture around, you notice a hole in the wall behind the couch that you swear wasn’t there before. Looking in, you will find that some very small leprechauns are hanging out in your wall space. Be sure to leave them snacks every once in a while and you might be rewarded with a treat and a bit of good luck.