Horoscopes for Capricorn Season 2024

For when the weather gets frightful.

Happy solstice, happy Capricorn season everyone! Over the weekend on the 21st, we experienced the shortest day of the year, which means things can only get up from here! Capricorn season is all about spending time with those who you love the most, along with tolerating those that you just kind of have to love because of familial obligation. This is the time of year to get really drunk on alcohol you didn’t pay for and start causing fights and bringing back old drama that you thought was under the bridge. It’s also the time to pretend like you didn’t do any of that and roll into the new year with enough goals to make you look and feel like a brand-new person—but don’t wait you’ll go back to normal once Aquarius season rolls around.

Aries
You have been gifted a bag of really delicious cookies. You will eat one right away with plans to save the rest for later, like a normal person, but something dark inside consumes you and you just eat all of the cookies in one sitting. They were just so good, but now you have no more cookies and you have a stomach ache that will last at least two days.

Taurus
Someone is watching you. Someone tiny, and not like five-feet-tall tiny. Like toy-sized tiny. It must be the elf. The elf is working for the police and is spying on you. Does he have anything to report back that is interesting?

Gemini
This is the perfect time to gather with the ones you love…or the ones you hate. Invite everyone to a dinner party, but when you are supposed to arrive as the host you should instead fake your own death and stage a fake murder, causing an uproar among your party guests. Someone in the house must have killed you, but who done it? Nothing says the holidays like psychological warfare.

Cancer
You’re feeling lost recently, a little indecisive, so you’ve gone back to old ways of decision-making: your childhood Magic 8 ball. Whenever you have to make a choice, you fall into the habit of shaking the ball and using its response as a guide for how to live your life. At first, the choices are normal: yes, no, maybe. But over time, the answers get more specific, and lean in favor of doing petty crimes. Be careful about the things that are influencing you.

Leo
You will be drawn to a deep slumber that lasts many days. You will disappoint your family, friends, and especially coworkers during those few days. But when you emerge from the darkness? You will feel so good and refreshed.

Virgo
Now is the perfect time to take some risks, even if it won’t make you any friends. You’re a businessperson and your enterprise has expanded, and the holidays may be the best time of year to make some big moves. Why would a town like a few independent bookstores when you can buy them all out and then install one giant Barnes and Noble? You may ruin the livelihood of that girl from your high school who put her whole life into owning a small business promoting female authors, but your bottom line will look great.

Libra
After watching old clips of Martha Stewart, you decide to make one of her famous seasonal punches. They have a lot more alcohol than you would expect. She says to only drink one, but you drink more than one. Something shifts within you—you need to put yourself to bed before you do something that you will regret.

Scorpio
Upkeep has been something you’ve been neglecting, but you finally get the energy to pick up all the piles that have formed in your bedroom. You find, in all of your trash, something horrific that explains the weird smell that popped up a couple weeks ago. It’s stuck to the floor and it may start moving, may even start talking. You may need to move out, or at least burn your house down. You also find a couple of lottery scratch-offs that amount to like $40.

Sagittarius
While doing some clearance shopping after the big holiday, you bump into a mall Santa returning his costume for another seasonal gig. The two of you lock eyes. You can tell that this mall Santa has been through at least one divorce. He asks you if you want to get coffee at the mall Starbucks. Why the hell not, it’s the holidays, right?

Capricorn
After getting re-gifted a pack of body soaps and moisturizers from at least seven years ago at the white elephant party, you decide to give this present a forever home and take a shower using the body wash and lotion. When you get out of the shower you notice that your skin is glowing. Like really, really glowing. You start going down a rabbit hole of radium-infused beauty products overtime. You may grow a new arm or lose all your teeth, or nothing may happen—only time will tell.

Aquarius
You will be gifted a dollhouse by one of your older relatives. What will I do with a dollhouse? You may ask. You are an adult after all and you don’t play with toys like that. But they insist you take it. Without touching the dolls or anything in the little house, you notice every day that the pieces seem to move themselves overnight, and they’re moving around the house like they’re trying to tell a story. Who is doing this?

Pisces
Get together with some friends to play cozy board games. Someone will propose playing Monopoly, and since none of you have played it in forever, you agree to it. Nothing has tested the integrity of your interpersonal relationships until that very moment. You realize that you have a knack for capitalism and owning the railroads. Use this to get what you want in the future.