Is it cold because of the weather or because it’s Capricorn season? That’s right, on the 21st of December, the sun will shift into the sign of Capricorn and the general mood will go from being wild, young, and free to being mature, boring, and ready to contribute to your 401k. We’ve also got a little added spice in that Mercury has already gone retrograde and will be there until January 1st. You may have already experienced your car breaking down, being accused of a crime you didn’t commit, or worse than anything else: being contacted by someone you hooked up with but do not like at all. It is dangerous out there, so it may be time to whip out some tinfoil helmets and bunker down until the coast is clear. Or ruin your life, it’s up to you.
Aries
When you speak, it’s like no one can hear you. They interpret what you’re saying as the complete opposite of what you mean, or they don’t hear you at all. This may be isolating, but there are some benefits. You can be mean with no consequences. If you solve three riddles you can get your voice back.
Taurus
You don’t know why you feel like this, but you’re feeling a bit bored with your life at the current moment. Sure, you have a job and food and shelter. Sure, you have friends and family that care about you. Some would even say you’ve got it all—but there’s just something missing. You’ve also been wondering what is actually up on the North Pole. Get some winter gear, get a boat, a crew of at least three other explorers, and take off to the northern seas to finally uncover the truth.
Gemini
While walking down the street doing some last-minute holiday shopping, you physically run into a very attractive person who is holding several boxes and seems to be in a hurry. You help them up, and while you do so their beautiful eyes are locked with yours. Is this love? They rush off after hurried apologies, and you don’t even get the chance to get their name. When you go to pay at the next store, you find out your wallet is gone. In the shuffle of the “accidental fall” you’ve actually been robbed—the opposite of a meet-cute.
Cancer
The friends you decide to keep are some of the most important people in your life, but do you mean as much to them? Put your friendships to the test by putting them through countless physical and mental trials to determine who is on your side and who needs to go. It’s like a game show but more insane and toxic.
Leo
You may find yourself busier than you’d like, to the point of feeling burnt out and stressed. This month, remember to say no more. And by more, I mean all the time. You have to refuse everyone that comes to you asking for something. There are no negative consequences to this. If you want to skip your family’s big holiday party? You can do it and nobody will be mad at you. This will not last forever, so use this while you can.
Virgo
While walking across the street one day, a car will not stop at the crosswalk and, at full speed, should absolutely run you over like a pancake. But you don’t get flattened, you don’t get hit by this car at all. It’s almost as if time itself has stopped right before your eyes—and that is true, time has stopped and you’re the only one able to walk around. Now that your life has been saved, you can use this extra time to your benefit. Go take a nap, or shoplift, or draw penises on your enemy’s face. No one will know!
Libra
One day you will hear a knock on the door. You open it, not really expecting much. In the doorway stands someone who claims to be your second cousin that you’ve never met and that they need your help, just need some place to stay for a couple of days. Trying to be a good person, you allow them into your home. It’s only for a few days, right? This person, their relation to you is very dubious at this point, is a menace. They eat all your food, they use all of your body wash, and leave their nose trimmings in the sink. They won’t leave, no matter how many times you politely hint that they should move on. They live here now—forever.
Scorpio
Like a Republican politician, you’re going to find yourself this month talking shit about people you know with someone in confidence but it actually will be broadcast out for the world to hear. While unloading your gripes about other people, your phone will start acting out all over the place and calling random people—maybe even one of those people you were complaining about. When you’re about to do something mean, maybe keep your phone out of the room just in case.
Sagittarius
For a few days you think that someone has been following you. It sounds crazy, but the person following you may possibly be disgraced pop idol Justin Timberlake. Why would Justin Timberlake be following you? He’s not. It’s just a Justin Timberlake lookalike (who can also hit the high notes and does paid gigs). It’s not Justin Timberlake, but someone is still following you, and for what reason?
Capricorn
Happy birthday, Capricorn! As a little treat to you, you will get a Groupon coupon for a vacation in an abandoned cave. There, you will learn all of the truths of the world, and you will use it for evil, or at least pure personal gain.
Aquarius
This month you will achieve the gift of seeing the future. You’ll be eating your morning toast and boom, the future will show up in your mind, like in That’s So Raven. One day, you get a vision that a boat will sink somewhere off the shores of Maine. You live nowhere near Maine, but you’ve gotta figure out a way to stop this. Or do you?
Pisces
While at home for the holidays, you discover one of your long-lost stuffed animal friends from when you were little. It’s in pretty good shape so you take it home. At first, it just sits on your shelf silently, as stuffed animals are supposed to do. Then one night, as you’re trying to fall asleep, you hear a whisper. Eventually, you realize that the stuffed animal is talking to you. It tells you a knock-knock joke and it is not very funny. Every day, every half hour or so, the stuffed animal tells another joke. No matter where you hide the toy to try and escape the noise of a terrible comedian inside of a stuffed animal’s body, it always comes back right in its original place on the shelf.