Horoscopes for Capricorn Season 2022
The most normal time of the year!
This week has a lot going on—it’s the start of Hanukkah, Christmas is this weekend, New Years is coming around the corner, and on top of it all, the Winter Solstice is happening on the 21st, where the sun is gone for the longest point of the year and also when it goes into Capricorn. Despite all the calendar festivities, Capricorn season doesn’t always spark an idea of fun into my mind. Have you ever met a Capricorn? They don’t like astrology, that’s for one. So, since it’s the practical Capricorn’s time of year I’ll start this article with a little bit of advice: light some candles so evil ghosts don’t come into your house and ruin your life this Solstice (this is real, look it up).
The exterior of your house is not looking up to snuff these days and your HOA president will be stopping by for an inspection disguised as a neighborly cookie delivery. Make sure that everything is in order before the time comes or you will get daily visits until this person just ends up living in your house and criticizing you every day, but in a non-sexy way. If you think you don’t have an HOA, I guess you have a little surprise coming.
This is the perfect time of year to look at old trinkets and/or give some of those old trinkets away. While looking through said old shit, you find a snow globe that is quite beautiful. You shake it and then, boom! You’re transported into the snow globe, a perfect winter wonderland full of people who only know about Christmas and nothing else. It doesn’t take too long for you to find peace in this new world and you even find a Christmas hottie who falls in love with you. The two of you grow old together, living in a world where nobody has real jobs and the holidays are forever. After quite a few decades of this perfect life, you decide to go back to the world you’re originally from. You didn’t age a day, which means you have to live your life all over again—but this time, it’s way less fun.
Be careful during these next few weeks—it’s going to get cold and it’s going to get icy. Watch where you’re going because we don’t want to see you slip on black ice and break your hip. There is nothing you need less right now than to be injured for weeks on end.
When you are back in your hometown, you will run into someone that you used to have a crush on back in high school. You will also run into someone who used to have a crush on you back then. They are extremely hot but still live in your hometown. Your old crush? Kind of a dork. They will both pursue you in the week that you are home for the holidays. Because Hometown Person is from your hometown, they will propose to you with marriage after three beautiful days together.
Work is a drag these days, and the job market isn’t great these days either, but there’s always one place that’s hiring year-round. Unfortunately Santa only takes elves that are 5’2” and under, and I heard the benefits aren’t too great.
There’s something in the air this season—and it’s a virus that compels you to sing out any complicated emotions you have inside. Unlike a musical, though, nobody else is in on it so maybe wait until you don’t feel the urge to sing and dance before having those complicated conversations.
It’s time to go on a bit of a soul search this season. Skip the car and/or plane for this adventure and travel the way Americans were meant to travel: by bus. The bus will break down at some point, and you will make friends with some of the other travelers while waiting for repairs to be done. One of them tells you about how they’re trying to reunite with their long-lost relatives and you decide to join (since you don’t really have any plans). You’re going to the exact opposite location that you intended to go to. You’re going to get lost, but in the journey you will find something else.
There’s someone who has passed recently that you miss a lot. While you’re sad about it, you go outside and make a snowman. A magical gust of wind comes by and possesses the snowman with the soul of that person you miss. Now they’re back, but for a limited time only because they’re a snowman. The snowman also looks kind of scary.
You are going to have so many leftovers after all your holiday festivities this year. This is obviously a good thing because we hate wasting food and love not having to cook or spend money. The thing is, is that every time you think you’ve finished the last of your leftovers, the next day there are more leftovers in the fridge. They’re new leftovers so they don’t go bad. You must keep eating them. You hate the idea of cold glazed ham. It is mid-January now and you are burdened with the task of finishing everything before ordering out for dinner again. When will it stop?
Happy birthday Capricorn! May everything be normal and sensible and that you get a nice little gift of money to put in your savings. You will have fun, but not too much fun. Nothing crazy will happen to you because you hate that kind of thing. Sip on some hot cocoa that is just acceptable.
You find out that your partner that you’ve been seeing for a while accidentally killed Santa Claus next year and thus has involuntarily become Santa themselves. If they don’t marry soon they will die too, but you have to be the other Claus of the family. There are no good outcomes—you either marry Santa or kill Santa. Choose wisely.
You have found access to the original Coca-Cola recipe and the means to make it using modern day fizzy drink technology. This is true power.