Horoscopes for Cancer Season 2025
Friday was the summer solstice: the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere and also the beginning of Cancer season. What does this mean? Cancer is one of the most emotional signs and is also the sign tied to the moon, so this is a great time to feel some feelings and submerge yourself in the closest largest body of water on a regular basis. Maybe do some rituals with your best gal pals.
As a fellow Cancer, this period is one of much fun but also many emotions. According to the TikTok astrology people (who are obviously less qualified and knowledgeable than I am), now that Jupiter is also in Cancer the Cancerians who have been having a rough go of it for a while are entering their “golden year” where things finally click into place and we get what we’ve been trying to get. Hopefully, that means that I won’t have a dry spell of three years after this last breakup and I won’t date weirdos, covert magicians, and liars anymore. A girl can hope! For me and for you too!
Aries
Soaking up the sun and partying is really the only thing on your summer agenda, until your hubris gets the best of you and your plans. “I don’t need to reapply sunscreen,” you say to yourself. You’re just having too good of a time to be bothered to apply more SPF. Now, you’re so burnt and peeling and blistered that even the thought of moving your body triggers pain receptors. And guess what? You’re not even going to get a tan from this.
Taurus
A dream will reoccur over several nights. It’s mostly just flashes of notes, a map, and a man with a beard. None of this means anything to you, but you keep seeing it night after night, so it must be important. One day you will see the old man with the beard and he will tell you what to do.
Gemini
You are going to acquire a chest full of custom glass eyeballs. The person behind the counter at the store doesn’t do returns, unfortunately. Now what the hell are you going to do with all these glass eyeballs? They’re too nice to throw out—maybe just keep them on hand if you ever have a fireworks accident.
Cancer
Happy birthday, fellow Cancer! As a way to apologize for giving you all that to deal with in the past, the universe is offering for you to get kissed on the mouth not just once—but several times. Also you will never experience a bad hair day ever again.
Leo
It feels like everyone has forgotten your name—the barista of your favorite coffee shop, that one person you’ve met at various parties because you have multiple mutual friends, and even some coworkers you’ve shared an office with for three years. Is this all in your head? Are you losing your mind, or just losing your touch?
Virgo
While sitting in one of your city’s many coffee shops, you notice someone sitting in the corner. They look familiar, but you can’t put your finger on it. After a few more minutes of hard staring, you figure it out: it’s Jeremy Allen White and they’re filming another season of The Bear.
Libra
Your company has downsized a lot due to tariffs or “the market” or whatever, but now there aren’t enough people to effectively run the company at all. While everyone’s panicked and nobody’s looking, this is the perfect time to take a little cream off the top. You will never face consequences for this, and you will have enough money to do a career pivot soon.
Scorpio
You’re feeling adventurous this month, so you decide to book a spontaneous trip to anywhere. Your luggage will be lost for the duration of your trip.
Sagittarius
An old lady who lives nearby asks you to help her find whoever stole her one-of-a-kind crystal skull. She says you seem like the kind of person who looks smart. It’s not too hard to figure out that the culprit is the evil old man in town that everyone hates. You are rewarded for your troubles handsomely.
Capricorn
Suitors are fighting for you this season, but you will only accept the best. Your time is also precious, so have all of your potential lovers agree to go on one giant group date to compete for your love and affection all at the same time—like an episode of The Bachelor with no cameras or production value.
Aquarius
There is such a thing as too much fun. Remember that a second location is probably not the best idea and if you go to a third location all of your personal belongings will be confiscated by a Church of Scientology member who will make you take one of those seven hour-long personality tests and won’t let you leave until you pay the church $10,000 and you give up your first born.
Pisces
While out dancing with your friends, you are suddenly overcome with a wave of confidence and dancing prowess and clear the floor to do a dance routine the world has never seen to Lady Gaga’s “Pokerface.” The crowd cheers when the song is over.
This Thursday, June 26th is the pride month edition of Clock That Tea, a show I won’t be at because I’ll be on an Amtrak to California. But you should go! 8:00pm at Uptown Tap.