Horoscopes for Cancer Season 2022
Tuesday the 21st of June is the summer solstice, otherwise known as the beginning of Cancer season. As a Cancer myself (my birthday is July 14th and I will not let anyone forget it!) I believe this is one of the most important months of the year. Even if you don’t have a Cancer in your life to celebrate with, this is still a great season full of fun things to do outside. Even though summer is the party season of the year, remember to take time out this season to really reflect. Go to your nearest large body of water and start pondering (my favorite activity). Walk into the ocean and never return. Become an actual water creature. If you didn’t already know, Cancer is a water sign because crabs love to cool off in the heat by becoming one with the sea (at least that’s what I think. I am not a scientist).
This month is all about trying a new skill. It might be hard at first, you might get frustrated, but keep going. You’ll eventually find a rat that knows how to do what you’re trying to do and will direct you while living under your hat. This is a friendship that will last a lifetime.
While looking at old journals (because it is Cancer season after all) you keep reading passages of your teenage self mentioning the treasure of Timmy the Clown buried under the old abandoned house on top of the hill in your hometown. Your younger self would write about this clown constantly—it’s a wonder how you ever could forget such an important memory. You must go back home and dig up the treasure, see what has been hidden for so long.
Your scamming senses are tingling and you’re feeling confident, so why not put this newfound energy to use? Sneak into a very expensive restaurant that you can’t get into and can’t possibly afford. You will meet a prominent politician who is enamored by you. Make them pay for your dinner and seduce them into canceling student loan debt. You can be everyone’s hero.
Happy birthday fellow Cancer! This year has been fucking rough for you so far but now that it’s your birthday month you are finally getting that break you deserve. Treat yourself only to the best things in life, like taking yourself to a coffee shop to read your favorite book (we Cancers are boring like that). You look across the shop and lock eyes with someone you instantly have feelings for. You look away for now, but when you get up to leave you accidentally bump into that person. The next few days, you keep seeing them all over the neighborhood—this means they live nearby which is very convenient. They strike up conversation with you and ask you out. This is a slow burn romance of your dreams.
It is time to focus on you and your goals, so why not make a manifestation board? Put all of your dreams, all of your goals on the best dream board of your life. Don’t be shy about it and don’t think any dream is too small. You will find the real killer of JonBenét Ramsey.
This month for you is all about working together with friends, so get your friends to start picking up trash around the neighborhood. There’s so much trash all around these days! Collect the trash and turn it all into a giant statue of Shrek. It’s what he would have wanted from you, and it will be beautiful (but smelly, but that’s fine).
While walking down the street one day a strange man in a cape approaches you. He tells you that you have “incredible potential” and gives you his business card. It turns out that he is one of the best magicians in the world and wants to take you as his apprentice. This may just be the sign to make new career moves!
You’re all into self-improvement recently and what better way to improve yourself than to start reading? When you go to your local used bookstore, a book catches your eye. Obviously you must buy it. This book will contain all the knowledge of the entire universe. Your worldview has been expanded, but you now know too much.
Everyone has secrets and usually they’re kept secret for good reason. This month you will find out something horrible and embarrassing about the person you thought was the love of your life. Namely, that they are a landlord. So sorry to break this to you.
Lucky you, Capricorn! It looks like the person you fell in love with online is real and looks exactly like they should. Your wedding will be at the end of the month. Life comes at you fast sometimes, but love has no logic.
Work is bringing you down, so why not quit working all together? Or at least quit working at your current place of employment. The world needs less boring offices and more laser tag places, so make your dream come true by opening up a new laser tag place! Become the laser tag champion of the state! Your new sharpshooting skills will come in handy once we are all stuck in the climate change wars.
While doing a picnic in the park at sunset with your closest friends, you start hearing little whispers in the wind. Is that just too much sparkling wine that you’ve been sneakily drinking or are there actually voices talking to you? The voices are coming from the fireflies. You can talk to bugs now, but only when you’re at least half a bottle deep.