Horoscopes for Cancer Season
It's crab time, baby!
Even though it’s been hot as shit in these parts for a while, Sunday, June 20 is officially the first day of summer—and that means it’s also Cancer season, baby! As a resident Cancer myself, this is obviously my favorite time of year because this month is all about me (not really but I would like to think it is). Soak up the sun this summer, but also soak up those tears. It’s not a proper Cancer season unless you’re crying a good amount of the time. But also have fun and be wary of the moon!
Aries
You will get a message from someone you kind of only know a little. They’re going to reveal that they’ve secretly been in love with you for years. This person is extremely hot so you are completely unable to notice any of the glaring red flags. After a bit of chatting, they will tell you that they want to fly out and see you immediately, but they have no money to do so. Already in love with this mystery beauty, you give them your credit card. Almost instantly, they delete their profile and you no longer have any money.
Taurus
There will be a superpowered villain coming into town, and it’s going to be up to you to save everyone. But, as you will soon find out, you cannot take on this task alone—you must rely on the power of your friendships to give you the strength to succeed. That being said, call your friends sometime just to catch up.
Gemini
Sometime this month, when you’re going through your junk mail a random postcard advertisement will catch your eye. It will say something about a one-day study that pays $500. You’re always into getting some extra cash, so you set up an appointment. The actual study has weird vibes when you get there, but you immediately pass out. When you wake up you can see new colors. You don’t know what they did to your brain, but now you can, like, understand the whole universe. This seems cool at first, but it’s kind of a big thing to push on you for just a few hundred dollars.
Cancer
Happy birthday Cancer! This Cancer season is all about you, and things are starting to look up! You’ve been suffering enough lately, and it’s time for that to stop and for you to feel appreciated. Even if you’ve never been loved enough to know what it’s like to feel the touch of another person, things will change for you this month. So many people are going to be horny for you that you won’t even feel the urge to get overly attached to the first person who texts you longer than two days. This is truly going to be a hot girl summer for you.**
** I did not write this just because I am very lonely and also a Cancer. This is a real horoscope and I am an astrology master.
Leo
Bobby Flay has been showing up as your newest sleep paralysis demon, which is a bit alarming. Having a sleep paralysis demon is bad enough, but having one that changes forms and that one of those forms is Bobby Flay is just too much. You try to get used to him standing over you as you wake up in a cold sweat and unable to move. “He’s not real, he’s just a figment of my imagination. My brain is just messing with me.” This works for a while but then you start to see Bobby Flay in the waking world as well. Are you going mad? Are you being tracked down? Does Bobby Flay simply live in your neighborhood now? Why would he live in your neighborhood? He is a celebrity. There are too many questions, you are being driven mad by Bobby Flay. You must flee to take care of yourself.
Virgo
One day you decide to take a different route on the way home from work, and on this trip you find a really cool couch. Like the best couch you’ve ever seen in your life. It will work perfectly in your home, you’ve been decorating it just so that it works well with this couch you see right in front of you—the couch of your dreams. You bring it home, and now your interior is complete. And best of all? That shit was free.
Libra
People are going to ask a lot of you this month. It’s going to be hard for you to say no to everything because you are a people pleaser at heart, but for your sake you need to prioritize yourself more. When someone requests something of you and you really start to feel the pressure, you will drop what you are doing, break out into a musical number about how stressed you are feeling these days, and dance your way away from your job, friends, and family and into the woods where you can finally take some time to recover.
Scorpio
Lately, you’ve been wondering what the meaning of life really is. Why do you exist? This would be the perfect time to crowdsource the answer. A billboard with a number for people to call and tell you would be ideal, but a simple ad on social media could also do the trick. Prepare to be wowed.
Sagittarius
While in the park, you will trip and fall into the creek nearby. When you get yourself up, you will notice that you are not in the park anymore, but in a whimsical far-off land. You have no idea how you got here, and it will take you years to find the way back to your own timeline. Through the journey you will have made many great friends, have several lovers, a whole family, and rule one of the kingdoms. When you finally arrive back in your original timeline, not a minute had passed so you just get to do life twice.
Capricorn
Someone close to you doesn’t have your back, and it’s time to find out who the traitor is. Invite all of your close friends to a cocktail party at your house and stage a dramatic disappearance. While you are “gone” tap into all the secret recording devices you installed prior to the party to see which of your friends is a real one and which ones you should drop.
Aquarius
Communication is really key here this month, and boy would you like to communicate some things to your closest friends about the people who are bothering you. Be careful what you do or how you say it because you may just end up hitting “reply all” to something that should’ve been “forward to one person to say, ‘Get a load of this guy!’” thus creating some tension in the workplace. You love being the talk of the town, but not in this way.
Pisces
In a few days, you will come across a very cool looking insect and you will want to take it home to be your cool new insect pet. This bug fucking rules. It is so cool looking and you also think that you’re starting to bond with it. And you are. This is a magical bug and it is actually feeding off your energy, making you so, so tired. You try to look up this bug online and there is no info about it because it does not naturally exist in our world. What are you going to do? It is a really cool bug, and you guys are now best friends, but it is also actively taking your life force away.
Some more news: I have my first published piece in Slackjaw! It was inspired by all those girls who would DM me about joining their pyramid schemes. Check it out here!