Horoscopes for Aries Season 2025
New spring, new you?
This Thursday, March 20th is the spring equinox, which means it’s time to say goodbye to those early evenings and hello to Aries season! Aries season is kind of the marker of the astrological new year, so if you didn’t have any new year’s resolutions (or failed them) you’ve got a second chance to transform into something beautiful. Because you’re never done improving even if your friends tell you that you’re perfect the way you are. You will never be good enough. But it’s also bad to think that way. At least it’s warmer now so you can go have an existential crisis outside. I lied, you don’t know you’re beautiful—and that’s what makes you beautiful (to quote One Direction in the year of our Lord 2025. Zayn left the band ten years ago.)
Aries
Happy birthday, Aries! Luck is in the air for you this month, and you will be able to get in the queue of any popular musical act selling tickets on Ticketmaster, where you can get decent tickets at actual market price before the resellers scoop them all up and sell them at a markup. This will be seen as magic by your friends, but this is just what hard work paying off looks like.
Taurus
You’ve been getting into meditation recently, partly because you want to practice mindfulness more but also partly because you’re old and boring enough to start listening to podcasts that talk about the benefits of mindfulness. While doing your regular daily meditations, you start to have visions in your head. You’re seeing things you never saw before. These things are old. You remember some bits and pieces, a name, a place, you go on the internet and find out that these are pieces to a cold case. Are you psychic now, or just remembering an old book you read in high school?
Gemini
While doing some spring cleaning, you find a letter to yourself deep in one of your drawers. You read it and find out it’s more of a written manifestation from god knows how many years ago. It goes into extreme detail, saying that you will meet the One True Leprechaun in March of 2025 and he will grant you exactly one wish and that wish will be to become a plumber’s apprentice. You have no recollection of this letter. You also don’t want this life for yourself! But it IS March of 2025, so you worry if something unbecoming overtakes you and changes the trajectory of your life forever.
Cancer
Your job will make you go on some sort of business trip this month, to the middle of nowhere. There’s nothing to eat around except for one diner nearby which is just not very good. You have to stay here longer than you would like. You learn nothing.
Leo
You’re looking to develop new skills this month, so you decide to take a pottery class. You misread the class description on the website where you buy the ticket, and don’t know that it’s a couple’s pottery class until you get there. Awkward, it’s just you! But you’re here, you paid, and you are brave. You can make a clay bowl on your own, goddamn it! You notice that some of the couples keep looking at you in a sensual manner. At least two will approach you after the class to say that they like your vibe.
Virgo
This month, you’re developing a new relationship with someone. It’s going pretty great and you feel comfortable getting a little vulnerable. Not like in a trauma dump kind of way, but you do tell them the story of the last time you shit your pants. Why this story? Why this person? Why now?
Libra
You will receive a very confusing voicemail from someone who don’t know super well. They might be revealing their feelings they have for you, a secret, or it may just be a random butt dial that would leave the caller embarrassed if they knew they were being recorded.
Scorpio
When you go to the thrift store this month, you will find a box full of classic DVDs from the early 2000s that’s marked for $5. And by classic, I really mean weird action movies reacting to the events of 9/11. What a steal! If you don’t have a working DVD player already, you will also find one while you are at this store.
Sagittarius
You will find someone who will want to hold hands and frolic through the tall grass with you. They will look into your eyes and ask, “What are we?” You need to say the right thing—it’s your only shot this year.
Capricorn
The spring is making you feel sentimental, so you think it would be kind of fun to look up your old YouTube account. After watching two minutes of the first video, you are overcome with so much embarrassment that you spend the rest of the afternoon trying to log into your old account. No dice, though. You have no idea what your favorite food was when you were twelve years old, and that’s the only security question you’ve got.
Aquarius
You and your two closest friends decide to take a road trip to some silly tourist destination that’s about two-to-three hours away. When on the road, you drive over a nail and bust a tire. It’s never truly about the destination, but about the journey.
Pisces
During the wintertime, you got into crocheting hats for your friends. The friends of your friends are so impressed by these hats, and they keep asking you to make more and more of them. They’ll even pay, they’re so impressed! They go into a frenzy. In these last few weeks of winter, anyone who doesn’t have one of your handmade hats is a tacky loser. The magazines even said so!
Got two shows this week! First, on Tuesday (the 18th) me and some refreshing pals in Dr. Coke will be at the Tuesday Good Show (Gallery Cabaret, 7:00pm).
Then on Friday (the 21st) is the Anti-Virgin Club’s March show (where I may be doing a little ACTING???? you’ll have to come to find out. That’s 9:30pm at the Annoyance. Get your tickets early, it will sell out!