The sun goes into Aries officially today, March 19th which signifies the start of spring and also the day of the spring equinox. This also technically marks the start of the new astrological calendar, since Aries is the sign of the beginning of the zodiac. Now that the sun is coming out more, there’s so much more energy to do the things that we want to do. This is the perfect time to start a fight and win. Go have beef. Be toxic. Or don’t, I don’t control your life, but this is the fire sign way.
Aries
Happy birthday, Aries! This month is all about you, but it’s also about fresh starts as a whole. You’re itching to start something new—and let me tell you, you are absolutely on fire this season. Literally, you’re setting things on fire. Like the phoenix rises from its ashes, you will rise after you burn down an entire structure and don’t get caught from it. You are free from blame and free to do anything you want, at least this month.
Taurus
You are starting to have more dreams recently that feel extremely realistic. It’s not that they’re mundane, like you’re at work or anything like that. They’re crazy dreams but they don’t feel like dreams, they feel real. One night before you fall asleep, you plan on trying to grab onto something of importance in this dream world right before you wake up. As you’re getting chased by a clown, you grab the wig off the clown as soon as you decide to leave the dream world. When you wake up, there is a colorful clown wig in your hand. The real world is blending together with the dream world, and if you die in the dream you die for real.
Gemini
A giant text thread going to everyone you know and a ton of people you don’t is dishing the tea about everyone. You think you have nothing to hide, but then the person running the thread starts making rumors about you! You now need to find out who this person is in order to save your reputation.
Cancer
Months, maybe even years ago, you put something haphazardly under your bed in order to avoid putting it away in its proper place. You’ve definitely forgotten about this by now, but it hasn’t forgotten you. Over time, this pile of junk under your bed has started to develop feelings for you—feelings of hate. It has been growing its junky body and it’s about time for the thing to emerge from under your bed and give you a little taste of your own medicine.
Leo
The monotony of daily work life just isn’t cutting it for you recently, so you decide to go to your local witch shop to see if there’s anything in there that can improve your life a bit. Maybe even spice it up a little. The shopkeep can see what you’re looking for with one look into your eyes and hands you this very old book. With this book and some potion ingredients that are highly illegal to obtain, you’re on your way to making the friendship of a lifetime.
Virgo
Someone this month will get under your skin so deep that it finally sets you off. You will be so harsh to this person that they will cry. They may even move town because of how bad you’ve just burned them. You will never feel so powerful.
Libra
Hearts are meant to be broken, and sometimes that heart just has to be yours. Enact revenge by signing up the heartbreaker for as many political campaign emails and texts as you can think of. If the roles are reversed and you’re doing the heartbreaking, just remember to only give other people a decoy email address.
Scorpio
You may not have been taking the best care of your body recently, and this month it’s finally catching up to you. You’re going to end up with a cold so bad that you can barely speak or remember the last time you had unchapped lips. The only way to cure it is the hot chicken noodle soup made from a close friend.
Sagittarius
When you’re walking in a city’s downtown area this month, you will see a street performer—more specifically a mime. The mime sees you on the sidewalk and points to you, and then does the classic invisible rope trick. You have to go towards the mime. Then, you both lock eyes. You realize the mime is actually pretty hot. Later, you fuck the mime and it was good.
Capricorn
There is someone out there who does not want you to succeed, or thrive in any way, and you can feel it deep in your bones. It has to be someone at least somewhat close to you. You become paranoid and decide to stay mostly indoors and offline. You hire a private eye to do some digging on those you consider friends and colleagues. Someone wants what you have, and they will have to take it from your cold, dead hands.
Aquarius
Going along with the spirit of spring cleaning, you decide to throw a giant clothing exchange with all your friends, and their friends, and their friends, the list goes on. It absolutely pops off and everyone is having a great time. While looking through the piles, you find what you consider the absolute jackpot—you dream piece. It fits, not perfectly, but it fits.
Pisces
Your month may be ending, but the party hasn’t stopped yet. You tend to be a daydreamy sign, one with lots of hopes and some delusions. Well let me tell you, this month your delusions can be your reality. You may just be the girl at the concert that the famous musician notices in the crowd, you may get your dream job with no experience, or you may finally be able to found your very own bookstore/flower shop combo business.