DCOM #1: 'Under Wraps' (1997)
"It must be my new conditioner. It attracts dead guys."
Welcome to the first out of over 115 posts where I talk about a Disney Channel Original Movie that I watched. Since I’m going to go in release date order for this project, we’re starting with the 1997 movie Under Wraps—the first Disney Channel movie to get that DCOM classification.
First up, the mega-corporation Disney is once again erasing their own work from existence. In case you were wondering, the original Under Wraps (the movie I am writing about today) is NOT available for streaming on Disney+, probably because there’s a reboot version that they want to push onto ignorant children who are unaware of the ancient texts. While I haven’t seen the newer version so I can’t fully compare, I’m going to spoil my opinion of the 1997 version right off the bat that this is an enjoyable movie and it’s a damn shame some corporate suits feel like it’s profitable to disappear this gem. Good news though: the original version is available to watch for free on YouTube. (I’m not going to link it, but it’s literally like the first option on Google.)
We begin with a cold open of a young boy and his family at the dinner table, the dad the same dad from Even Stevens. The boy is afraid of something outside but everyone else is like, “What are you, a weenie?” Then a very gross-looking monster pops out of the window and forces the Even Stevens dad’s head into the sink’s garbage disposal, where a large kitchen knife is spinning around in there. Isn’t this supposed to be a kids movie? A cut to a movie theater audience gasping and throwing their popcorn around. It’s a movie within a movie! Very Scream 4 vibes (except this one was first).
(Boomer voice) Kids movies back in the day used to have actual monsters and violence and things that scared you. Kids these days are too soft. What is a Cocomelon?
The first thing we know about our protagonist, Marshall, is that he’s a tough thrill seeker who loves monsters, and his friend Gilbert is a huge weenie dweeb. The second thing we know about him is that his parents are divorced and his mom has a new boyfriend named Ted (played by Bill Fagerbakke, who is also Patrick Star). Obviously, Marshall does not like Ted, despite his efforts to try and connect.
In this suburban town where the story takes place, there is an evil, scary old man named Mr. Kubat, who drives fast, doesn’t pay GIlbert for the paper, and sets vicious dogs onto middle schoolers. The next day at school, Marshall and Gilbert’s friend Amy tells them that Mr. Kubat died of a heart attack (covered in pancake batter). Amy’s mom is the realtor on the house and they decide it would be fun to sneak into this dead man’s home to try and see if he’s got any treasure.
They crash into the basement where there’s an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus with a mummy inside. With a trick of the full moon hitting his amulet, the mummy comes alive. The mummy, whom they name Harold (after Marshall’s Uncle Harold), is also played by Patrick Star—something about the way Marshall is able to grow to love this mummy that seems scary at first will help him accept the fact that his mom loves her boyfriend with Patrick Star’s voice.
Now that they are no longer scared of Harold the friendly mummy, they go to the local comic book/occult shop and ask Bruce about any mummy lore. Bruce is the weird geek adult who’s friends with dorky kids because they’ll need someone old enough to drive a car but not mature enough to be a parent—an important character for the logistics for a tween movie that takes place in the suburbs. Bruce tells them that if a mummy comes alive the way Harold did, he has to be placed in his sarcophagus before midnight on Halloween or he will cease to exist.
The kids don’t want Harold to disappear forever—they just became friends!—so they go back to the late Mr. Kubat’s house to find the sarcophagus in the basement but it’s gone! The IRS came that morning and impounded everything. Shocking to find out that the evil scary man doesn’t pay taxes, am I right?
Now the kids have a mission: they have to find Harold (who wandered off into public), hide Harold from Marshall’s mom, and find the sarcophagus before Harold turns back into a pumpkin Cinderella style. What ensues is a bunch of goofs and gags as the kids try to keep Harold’s identity a secret.
Harold sees a bus (in the middle of the night???) after having a very fun chase with the tiniest little dog that has one of those Egyptian eye pyramids motifs, so he follows it to an Ancient Egypt exhibit that just so happens to be exclusively in this small town. Here, we find out that Harold is actually a high priest and he was in love with the lady mummy that just so happens to be part of this exhibit. Even though it was noted that high priests take a vow of celibacy. (A great interaction: “What is celibacy?” / “It means no chicks.” / “I could never do that.” / “You’ll get used to it.” that’s a MURDER) Now the kids HAVE to get Harold his sarcophagus back—for his ancient girlfriend.
It also turns out…dun dun…that Mr. Kubat has been alive this whole time. He faked his death in order to evade paying his taxes. It turns out that Mr. Kubat isn’t just a bad neighbor—he’s a whole mob guy with a smuggling ring and goons to do his bidding and kidnap kids. In a standoff where Mr. Kubat is not above killing a bunch of actual children (and one dorky mid-20s man), Gilbert faces his fears of everything and drives a car into the goons and saves the day.
They have the sarcophagus, they bring it back to the museum, and Harold gets to awaken his queen/girlfriend/boss one last time before they are put to rest once again. Because of this new bond he developed with a mummy that has the same voice and body as his mom’s girlfriend Ted, he is now able to accept Ted as part of the family.
As I mentioned up top, I think this movie is solid. As the first DCOM, Under Wraps feels more like a regular kids movie from the 90s than what most people think of as a regular DCOM. The bad guy has a gun! They make jokes about Amy wearing a bra! Marshall and Amy feel horny for each other for a second but thankfully they don’t fall for each other because that would throw off the friend dynamic.
Here are some of my favorite jokes and gags of the movie:
When Harold misinterprets a guy fully bandaged in the hospital as a fellow mummy and goes into the hospital where the staff think he’s about to die and they try to resuscitate him but just give him burnt nipples instead.
The drive-thru worker understanding Harold’s order when it’s just moans that sound like Patrick from Spongebob.
Adult ladies being turned on by Harold’s swag when he’s in disguise until they realize he’s a mummy.
When Amy mentions she sleeps in the nude and Gilbert runs his bike into a mailbox.
Gilbert’s take on a Dennis Rodman costume.
The neighbor’s tiny dog terrorizing a giant mummy man.
Harold eating a goldfish out of the tank.
Overall, this was a delightful and enjoyable 90 minutes of my life. Sure, it’s not the most groundbreaking movie I’ve ever seen, but we’re talking about direct-to-TV children’s programming. The jokes made me laugh, the physical comedy was enjoyable, and there’s enough substance in here for both children and adults to find this engaging and worthwhile.
There was one line that was absolutely crazy though. There was a guy (not important) who has a crush on Amy but she turns him down. Her reasoning? “He saw the Olsen twin movie twice. How could you date a guy like that?” I bet Amy doesn’t vaccinate her kids now. ANYWAYS.
And remember, it’s okay if Patrick Star wants to be your stepdad.
