BONUS: My March Madness Bracket (based on how hot the mascots are)

This is definitely the longest post I will ever make.

The full bracket if you want to cheat and not read.

The Ides of March have passed with no notable news, but the basketball version of March Madness is set to continue as it always does. I never went to a big school with a notable sports team (we went to Division III nationals in basketball my senior year and…lost), so I don’t really care too much about college sports and especially not college basketball BUT I love ranking things, and thus love a bracket.

I have nothing to say on the skills of the teams of the schools themselves, but you know what I have a lot to say on? Mascots, of course! So here is my bracket based on how hot and charming each school’s mascot is.

NOTE: I am NOT a furry, I am just attracted to charisma! And these guys got that!

ROUND 1

SOUTH

Auburn (Aubie) vs. Alabama State (Hornet)

First up we have Aubie the tiger against a buff hornet representing Alabama State. I’m sorry to Alabama, but I do not like hornets when they are regular and small and I cannot in good conscience endorse a giant hornet that lifts. Round one pick: Auburn

Louisville (Louis) vs. Creighton (Billy Bluejay)

This match, we’ve got two bad birdies pitted up against each other. Louis is a cardinal with a permanent scowl, a fierce adversary on and off the court. Billy the bluejay underwent a glo-up recently and he’s looking as shiny and smiley as ever. As much as it’s hard to choose, only one can win, and I’m partial to blue and a joyful grin. Round one pick: Creighton

University of Michigan (no mascot) vs. UC San Diego (King Triton)

This game is no fun for me because we have one team with a proper mascot going up against a school that does not have one. The University of Michigan Wolverines do not currently have a mascot. In the 1920s and 30s, the school had a live wolverine in a cage that they’d wheel out on the field, and in years past students did try to have a more anthropomorphic character stick, but with no dice. In this bracket, I’m only considering current mascots, so King Triton, the buff merman himself, wins by default. Round one pick: UC San Diego

Texas A&M (Reveille) vs. Yale (Handsome Dan)

Ugh! Another live animal contender. Sorry to this very well-groomed purebred Rough Collie, but a live dog just does not make the cut in this bracket. Fortunately, Handsome Dan is here to take all the glory of the first round. Handsome is even in his name, so I’m betting that he’ll go far. Round one pick: Yale

Ole Miss (Tony the Landshark) vs. North Carolina (Rameses)

Okay fuck my life! This is getting difficult and we’re only a few games in at this point. Up until now, picking the best and hottest mascot has been easy. Now, not so much. Both Ole Miss and University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill are represented by some exemplary examples of what a first-rate mascot should be. Let’s look at Tony first: he’s got buff arms, he’s got swagger, he’s got a winning smile AND he’s a landshark—an animal that doesn’t exist in the real world. He’s got it all! Then there’s Rameses, a goat with great design and beautiful horns. If I remember correctly, I ranked Rameses high on my bracket last year (using the same metrics of course), but I’m going to have to try something new this year. Congratulations, Tony, you’ve made it through. Round one pick: Ole Miss

Iowa State (Cy) vs. Lipscomb (Lu the Bison)

Back to a regular match. We’ve got yet another bird versus a bison in this round. I feel like there are a lot of bird mascots, and while I am partial to them, Cy isn’t a bird that stands out among the rest (I may just have anti-cardinal prejudice, you can cancel me). Lu the Bison is quite the handsome guy, what with a beautiful dark brown coat. Round one pick: Lipscomb

Marquette (Iggy the Golden Eagle) vs. New Mexico (Lobo Louie)

This one was a tough pick, we’ve got two pretty good mascots going head to head in this game. While Iggy is an example of an exemplary bird, with a unique design and charm, Lobo Louie looks like the “eats cigarettes for breakfast” kind of man that I am usually drawn to. We’ve had too many pristine-looking buff Chads winning in this March Madness bracket, so it’s time to let a mascot that kind of looks like shit enter the ring for the chance to win it all (and by all I mean my heart). Round one pick: New Mexico

Michigan State (Sparty) vs. Bryant (Tupper)

This one is also tough, but not in a good way. When first looking at Tupper the bulldog, I was not impressed. The bulldog is one of the shittiest, least interesting mascots out there (let’s go Batavia High School!) and this design is, like, fine I guess but I am not excited about it. Even so, it’s way better than whatever the fuck Sparty’s got going on. Muscles like that are not there to impress women, but other men (take note, gym boys). His jaw makes him look more uncannily square than John Mulaney with his chin implants. Round one pick: Bryant

WEST

Norfolk State (Spiro the Spartan) vs. Florida (Albert & Alberta)

I’ve already established a pretty anti-Spartan prejudice in this article, but Spiro is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. His jaw is way too angular and his eyes look like they are sunken deep into darkness. On the other hand, Florida has graced us with not one, but TWO aesthetically pleasing Gators. I normally don’t go for couples, but this may be the exception. Round one pick: Florida

UConn (Jonathan the Husky) vs. Oklahoma (Boomer & Sooner)

In an effort to try and dispel any of the furry allegations, I have to say no to Jonathan the Husky, which is one of the most traditionally furry-looking mascots in the bunch. Instead, I’m much more interested in these soft-looking horse guys that Oklahoma is giving us. Boomer and Sooner, you look like two mascots that I would enjoy getting a beer with. Round one pick: Oklahoma

Memphis (Pouncer) vs. Colorado State (Cam the Ram)

I like both designs for these boys, even though the styles are very different. Pouncer is more cartoonish and looks like a discount Tony the Tiger (one of the best to ever do it). I like the contrast of the royal blue on his orange fur. On the other hand, Cam the Ram is more realistic and looks like a man of the forest. Unfortunately for Cam, I am partial to a goofy looking tiger. Round one pick: Memphis

Maryland (Testudo) vs. Grand Canyon (Thunder)

We got two good ones who know how to pose, but the tortoise has won my heart hands down. Testudo is an incredible specimen—I want to see him go far. Round one pick: Maryland

Mizzou (Truman) vs. Drake (Spike)

While researching these teams, I’ve started to feel bad for Spike the bulldog. While he is still employed as Drake’s mascot, there’s some live competition for his attention: Griff II, an actual bulldog who serves as Drake’s live mascot. Because it’s really hard to find pictures of him on the first page of Google Images, it doesn’t seem like anyone is that excited for him. On the other hand, Truman at Mizos looks just goofy enough for me to love him. Round one pick: Mizzou

Texas Tech (Raider Red) vs. UNC Wilmington (Sammy C. Hawk)

2025 is just not the right political climate to let a white Texan man with a gun win my heart. Alternatively, Sammy C. Hawk is a beautiful bird with a job AND who can drop it low. Round one pick: UNC Wilmington

Kansas (Big Jay) vs. Arkansas (Big Red)

Wow, this game we’ve got two state names that are almost the same but sound nothing like each other housing two big boys. Unfortunately, the competition is not even close. Big Red is a funny-looking bull, sure, but Big Jay has got these kind eyebrows and is based off a Jayhawk—a bird that does not actually exist. Round one pick: Kansas

St. John’s (Johnny Thunderbird) vs. Omaha (Durango)

Sixteen games and sixteen more to go but we’re ending this side of the bracket strong. Both Johnny and Durango shine with their bright red exterior, but I’m partial to Durango. He looks angry, but you know he’s got a sweet side. Round one pick: Omaha

EAST

Duke (Blue Devil) vs. Mount St. Mary’s (Emmit S. Burg)

Hey! The eastern division is starting off with some nightmare fuel. I’m not a fan of either, but I guess I’ll let the guy that kind of looks like the villain from Lazytown get another chance. Round one pick: Duke

Mississippi State (Bully and Belle) vs. Baylor (Bruiser)

What the fuck is up with schools that have bulldog mascots having a live mascot and then a dog costume that fucking sucks? Baylor’s Bruiser wins by default this round, but I do need to note that he’s a great-looking bear. Round one pick: Baylor

Oregon (Oregon Duck) vs. Liberty (Sparky)

I feel so bad for Sparky (a beautiful mascot) for not having a fucking chance this round because the Oregon Duck is so fucking good. Like, I’m writing this sitting alone in my room listening to a 2010’s playlist and I audibly shouted, “Fuck yeah!” after finding out what the Oregon Duck looks like. Holy shit. He’s perfect. Round one pick: Oregon

Arizona (Wilbur and Wilma) vs. Akron (Zippy)

Another tough game to choose from! Zippy is just the kind of goofy looking guy that I am normally partial to, but Wilbur and Wilma (while a couple) do exude wealth and charm and I feel like they would take me to a nice dinner and then not expect me to do all of the work. This one is going to the one percent. Round one pick: Arizona

BYU (Cosmo the Cougar) vs. VCU (Rodney)

I don’t know if it’s just because I know that Cosmo is Mormon, but there’s something about his aura that unsettles me. Rodney looks a little bit like a Looney Toon, but I will let him proceed to the next round. He may surprise me. Round one pick: VCU

Wisconsin (Bucky Badger) vs. Montana (Monte)

If it was any other fight, I bet Monte would have won my heart. But against Bucky, there was juts no chance. He’s just too cute and sassy. Just look at him. Round one pick: Wisconsin

St. Mary’s College (Gael) vs. Vanderbilt (Mr. Commodore)

No no no no no no! What the fuck!! I hate both so much. I’m so upset to choose a military man over another guy, but Gael has a chin so scary I do not want to look at it longer. Waiting for the next round. Round one pick: Vanderbilt

Alabama (Big Al) vs. Robert Morris (Romo)

Hell yeah brother, we have a palette cleanser immediately after the travesty of the previous game. If you have any kind of pattern recognition, you know what’s about to happen. Not only is Romo weird-looking, he’s also a COLONIAL man (booooo!). Big Al and his beautiful trunk are moving on. Round one pick: Alabama

MIDWEST

Houston (Shasta and Sasha) vs. SIU Edwardsville (Eddie)

Two cougars against each other? I keep saying I don’t like couples but I keep picking them. I think it’s just because I like the girl cats and college sports doesn’t allow a solo female mascot (shakes head). Sorry Eddie, you don’t make the cut this year. Round one pick: Houston

Gonzaga (Spike) vs. Georgia (Hairy Dawg)

Okay now THIS is how you do a bulldog! Both dawgs have a ton of character, and bring something different to the table. I thought originally that Spike had it in the bag, but after looking at Hairy Dawg some more, I think I have to go with him. Just the name alone is a winner. Round one pick: Georgia

Clemson (The Tiger) vs. McNeese (Rowdy)

While it’s pretty out-of-character for me to go for a humanoid mascot versus a tiger, I’m gonna have to go with the cowboy that looks like Norm Macdonald over the tiger with crazy eyes. Round one pick: McNeese

Purdue (Purdue Pete) vs. High Point (Prowler the Panther)

Purdue Pete looks like he was birthed in a coal mine and never saw the light of day.Thank god for this purple panther. Round one pick: High Point

Illinois (no mascot) vs. Xavier (Blue Blob and D'Artagnan the Musketeer)

U of I is currently mascot-less because for years they had a pretty racist mascot and they were like, “Hm, maybe we shouldn’t have that anymore.” People are trying to get the Kingfisher to be the new mascot, and if/when that happens then we’ll talk. In the meantime, Illinois is disqualified. But OH MY GOD, look at what Xavier has to bring. A BLUE BLOB and a guy with a mustache. I’m going feral. Holy shit. Round one pick: Xavier

Kentucky (The Wildcat) vs. Troy (T-Roy)

Is there even any fucking question at this point? Round one pick: Kentucky

UCLA (Joe and Josephine Bruin) vs. Utah State (Big Blue)

The Bruins are a good looking couple, but no match against a blue bull with a nose ring. I’m also tired of supporting couples now that we’re at the bottom of this first round. Let’s go Big Blue! Round one pick: Utah State

Tennessee (Smokey) vs. Wofford (Boss)

More dogs. Fine, I guess. While Smokey does look like the floppy guard dog at my dad’s truck warehouse growing up, Boss’s name is Boss. And I like saying, “You got it, Boss!” when someone asks me for a favor. Round one pick: Wofford

THIS EMAIL IS ALREADY SO LONG BUT WE’VE GOT SO MUCH MORE

I’m not going to do writeups, you can figure out where I stand.

ROUND 2

Auburn vs. Creighton

Winner: Auburn

UC San Diego vs. Yale

Winner: Yale

Ole Miss vs. Lipscomb

Winner: Ole Miss

New Mexico vs. Bryant

Winner: New Mexico

Florida vs. Oklahoma

Winner: Oklahoma

Memphis vs. Maryland

Winner: Maryland

Mizzou vs. UNC Wilmington

Winner: UNC Wilmington

Kansas vs. Omaha

Winner: Omaha

Duke vs. Baylor

Winner: Baylor

Oregon vs. Arizona

Winner: Oregon

VCU vs. Wisconsin

Winner: VCU

Vanderbilt vs. Alabama

Winner: Alabama

Houston vs. Georgia

Winner: Georgia

McNeese vs. High Point

Winner: High Point

Xavier vs. Kentucky

Winner: Xavier

Utah State vs. Wofford

Winner: Utah State

ROUND THREE

Auburn vs. Yale

Winner: Auburn

Ole Miss vs. New Mexico

Winner: Ole Miss

Oklahoma vs. Maryland

Winner: Oklahoma

UNC Wilmington vs. Omaha

Winner: Omaha

Baylor vs. Oregon

Winner: Oregon

VCU vs. Alabama

Winner: VCU

Georgia vs. High Point

Winner: Georgia

Xavier vs. Utah State

Winner: Utah State

ROUND 4

Auburn vs. Ole Miss

Winner: Ole Miss

Oklahoma vs. Omaha

Winner: Oklahoma

Oregon vs. VCU

Winner: Oregon

Georgia vs. Utah State

Winner: Utah State

SEMIFINALS

Ole Miss vs. Oklahoma

Winner: Ole Miss

Oregon vs. Utah State

Winner: Utah State

FINALS

Ole Miss vs. Utah State

This has taken me so many hours to do and it is so late, but we are here at the end. We’ve had some absolutely freakish mascots playing this year, as well as some absolute stunners. Everyone tried their best, but it’s down to these two. What can I say? I love a guy with buff arms and a good, effective point. But there can only be one…and that is BIG BLUE FROM UTAH STATE. You are the winner of my 2025 bracket!

Congrats to anyone who got this far. It was fun, and I learned a lot about myself. It also took so many hours. Like, so so many of them.