Barbies that are “so me”
Sorry but Depression Barbie doesn’t make the cut.
As it was one of the few things I had planned to look forward to this summer, I got to see the Barbie movie opening weekend and it was pretty much everything I could ask for. This is not a review of the Barbie movie, or a discussion about any of the plot points. No, this is a piece reflecting on a comment a coworker made to me after she was able to see an early screening of the film a week before everyone else. She said, “It’s not a spoiler, but at one point in the movie there is a Depression Barbie and she is so you.”
I know I don’t have an incredibly sunny disposition and generally a very negative outlook on life, but this is still a weird thing to say to someone you work with! But I wasn’t about to be mad just yet—I have integrity and I have to see this scene before I can be the judge. Now I have seen the movie and I’m going to judge: the Depression Barbie, while very “hashtag relatable” is not me at all! I would never binge the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. It is far too long! (My comfort movie is Bridget Jones’s Diary, which admittedly is also a Colin Firth vehicle. So I think depressed people really just like Colin Firth and that stink face he makes when he’s supposed to be in love). I also never wear sweatpants, but I do dress like I’ve crawled out of a cave, so I’m not going to get too technical about that.
After asking my friends if Depression Barbie is “so me” (it’s not), I started to think about what kind of Barbie would be me. This article would be a lot more fulfilling if I knew how to do Photoshop and included visuals, but you’re just going to have to use your imagination. This is mostly a text medium for a reason!
Chronic Bacterial Vaginosis Barbie
This Barbie keeps getting BV for no reason! In the box she is wearing a pair of cute silk underwear that is going to be the catalyst to all of Barbie’s problems. You can then change her into the ugliest giant cotton panties and give her a pack of antibiotics that will only cause her to get a yeast infection after the process. Not included: daily probiotics, carton of cranberry juice, and emergency supply of Monistat.
Open Mic Barbie
This Barbie wants to do stand-up comedy! In this box, she comes with a notebook of dark depressing jokes that nobody laughs at, a tall boy of PBR, and deep dark circles under her eyes. This Barbie never gets a full eight hours of sleep because she has bad luck with the sign-up lists and always ends up one of the last five of the night. Gaslighter Casual Boyfriend Ken sold separately.
Half-Orphan Barbie
This Barbie’s mom is dead! She looks like a regular Barbie and comes with a little urn of her mom’s ashes. If you press the button on her back she says, “My mom is dead,” and will softly sob unprompted throughout the day.
Only Knows Twelve Songs Barbie
This Barbie only knows twelve songs! She doesn’t tend to listen to any music that was made after she graduated high school. When at concerts with her friends, she only knows the radio single of the headliner and that’s about it. Included in this set is a copy of Fall Out Boy’s “From Under the Cork Tree.”
Cross Stitch Barbie
This Barbie likes to do crafts that take a really long time to finish! Because she’s so focused on working on her projects, she is always sitting down cross legged in a chair. It looks uncomfortable because it is. With this Barbie comes a pile of half-finished crafts that Barbie will never, ever get to. She feels empty inside.
Public Transit Barbie
This Barbie likes to get around using public transit. Included with this doll is a phone full of text messages from her family and friends saying things like, “Get a car,” and, “Learn how to drive.” For the small price of $75 you can get a non-working monthly transit card for Barbie so she can ride along with you! Shoes that are actually good for your feet while walking long distances are sold separately.
Swimming Barbie
This Barbie likes to go swimming! This is actually not a new Barbie, but an expansion pack for Bacterial Vaginosis Barbie. Swimming is fun but swimsuits just cause more problems.
Improv Barbie
This Barbie does improv comedy! Unlike Open Mic Barbie, this Barbie does feel happiness and emotional fulfillment. She is wearing a long-pant jumpsuit and comes with a stack of posters asking people to come to their show at 11:00pm on a Tuesday night. She will “yes, and” to anything. For a full team, her five wacky friends are sold separately.
Magician Ken
Magician Ken is the perfect match for this Barbie! Magician Ken does not actually know any magic tricks unfortunately, but he does wear things like vests and sometimes a goofy hat. He is also into (questionable) ethical non-monogamy so he will never be able to hang out with Barbie but will ask her to do a threesome. Likes Dungeon and Dragons and comes with a whiskey on the rocks. Books like “She Comes First” and “The Ethical Slut” sold separately.