The Horny Build-A-Bears Are Not Horny Enough (Also Happy Valentine’s Day?)
You might have seen an article going around last week that was like, “Wow! Build-A-Bear is now making naughty horny bears for adults!” Obviously, as a person whose personality is “horny to her detriment” I was excited to see what these bears had to offer. And shortly after, I was disappointed. The article telling me about these seductive teddy bears had a picture of a Burt Reynolds-looking lion that does not exist on the shop page! Why would you tease me in this way?
Instead, the “After Dark” Build-A-Bear line contains bears that have shirts that say “Pizza is my Valentine” or “Rosé over roses.” I’m sorry, but these aren’t horny bears—these are lonely bears who may or may not be horny but they definitely are not getting laid anytime soon. These are bears that you’re supposed to buy yourself because there’s nobody to get you a Valentine’s Day gift. This went from exciting to just a little bit sad.
Anyways, it’s Valentine’s Day today and while this day may be for lovers, the real stars of the show are those of us who have no partner at all. If anyone deserves something nice on Valentine’s Day, us. I We have to go through the motions of living in a capitalist hellscape and we don’t even have someone to hold at the end of the day. I’m not a person who is bitter on Valentine’s Day (because that would be dumb), but I am a person who is bitter every day of the year. I have to make myself cum AND I have to buy my own KitchenAid mixer if I want one AND I have to pay more in taxes AND I have to pay full rent for a bedroom. It’s all a scam, man.
So if you’re reading this wondering if I have some last-minute ideas for things you can do with your boo on V-Day, you should look for that somewhere else. I’m writing for the singles and the singles only on this fine Monday morning. So, if you’re going to be alone today and you need something to do, I’ve got you covered.
First, eat a whole pie.
This is a tradition I have started doing myself for the past couple of years. It is very simple: you go to Target and buy your favorite pie in the freezer section (this goes better if you like one of those whipped creamy pies, my favorite is Edward’s Turtle Pie, but a fruit pie could also work) and then you eat it. You might think right now, “But Renée, eating a whole pie in one sitting does not sound good or fun for me!” and you are correct. When I say “eat a whole pie” I mean that you yourself are going to eat this pie all by yourself, but you can take your time.
You are a filthy single person who has nobody to impress, so eat that pie straight out of the pan. Do not bother cutting the pie into slices. You will know when you have had enough. Cover it up and put it in the fridge or freezer and keep going at it for the next several days. Trust me, this is part of the healing process.
Second (but actually first), get some curry.
Before you go to town on a whole pie, treat yourself to a nice takeout dinner of curry specifically. I always like to get a Thai red curry, but any curry will do. Just make sure that you’re ordering from a place that goes absolutely nuts on the portion sizes and is a reasonable price. You want to treat yourself to a meal that will last you for at least two to three more days—you are a single working person and you deserve to take a break on cooking for one for at least a few days!
Remember, being alone on Valentine’s Day is hard. You’re allowed to feel sad about being alone sometimes—you’re not meant to girlboss your feelings away all the time just because there’s nobody who wants to hold your hand, you know? But just remember, you may not get stuffed in a horny way but you can still stuff yourself full of a giant plate of curry. It’s not the same, but it’s pretty good.