You read that right, dear reader, it’s been an entire year since I published my first weekly newsletter piece! Isn’t that exciting? It feels good to have a personal project actually work out in my favor—I did write at least a sentence every week of the year and I also got to write about important things that I care about, such as crying in bathrooms in Chicago and rating different kinds of fried foods.
I also could not have done it without all of you lovely readers of mine. That’s a lie, but I do appreciate all of you sticking with me through this. Thank you all for reading through yet another email each week (and if you just delete them from your inbox, thank you for pretending—I literally won’t know one way or another).
While writing this little intro, it might sound like I’m saying goodbye to the newsletter but that’s not true! This isn’t just another one of those “one year” projects! I wasn’t planning on making an anniversary post but then I realized that it has been exactly a year and I figured I probably should say something about that—it is an achievement after all! Don’t worry, for better or for worse this weekly newsletter is here to stay. (I may even write more things each week, but that is not a promise I am willing to make!)
Since this is an anniversary post, I need to do something very special, right? It took a long time to come up with an idea for something that really captures the essence of this writing project but at the very last minute I did find something I think everyone here can really appreciate In honor of my best (and favorite) piece of the year, How F*ckable is Each M&M?, I feel the only appropriate thing to do is to continue analysis on the sexual attractiveness of characters that were made only for ads. All I have to say is, once again, you’re welcome everyone. So without further ado I present to you all:
How Fuckable Are The Cereal Mascots?
Tony the Tiger
What is there not to love about Tony the Tiger? Not only does he represent a very good cereal, but he’s also quite the catch. He’s buff, he’s got great style, he can dunk, and he’s friends with Shaq? This tiger is the complete package. Tony would definitely hold me in those big beefy arms of his, making me feel so secure and loved. My verdict? Highly fuckable.
The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee
Most of the time when we see Mr. Buzz on screen, he’s working hard at the Honey Nut Cheerios factory. Some people love a man (or a bee) in uniform, focusing on his daily grind, but I’ve started reading more books about anti-work and I have started to appreciate leisure more than anything. With Buzz working so many long hours at the factory, there’s no way he’d have time for me. He’ll just be in and out in two minutes and will fall asleep before we could even cuddle or anything. Unfortunately, I’d have to pass.
Captain Crunch
Now I usually don’t go for older guys, but I do have to say that Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch is a man of intrigue to me. Just look at him—that is the look of a man that has been around, if you know what I mean. The captain has definitely flirted with Death several times while at sea. He’s survived shipwrecks, scurvy (that’s why he introduced fruit into his cereal), and probably a few duels with pirates on the open sea. This guy eats mad pussy and doesn’t care if you’re bushing it. He would make love with such reckless abandon, living as though every day may be his last.
Trix Rabbit
This silly rabbit is absolutely NOT fuckable! He can’t even get a bowl of his favorite cereal. Trix Rabbit, a fully-grown adult, gets bullied by kids on the daily. He is a fucking loser.
Women from the Special K Commercials
Without question, the answer is that they are extremely fuckable across the board. Who doesn’t love a MILF wearing a red swimsuit happily eating cereal in various locations? I know that a lot of people have a weird relationship with Special K as a brand, since a lot of moms during our formative years were eating so much of this stuff to try and lose weight. That being said, growing up I absolutely loved Special K just as a cereal—there’s something about some lightly frosted corn flakes with freeze-dried strawberries that made me excited to eat a well-balanced breakfast. For no real practical reason (I was like ten years old at the time) I would combine this cereal with Fiber One to make a real special treat. I have the taste buds of an old man.
Sonny the Cuckoo
There’s nothing objectively wrong with this bird, but he is just too cuckoo for Coco Puffs to be into much of anything else. And that’s fine.
Count Chocula
If you know me at all, you know that I absolutely love vampires and Count Chocula is no different. Talk about tall, dark, handsome, AND loves chocolate! I’d like him to sink his comically large teeth into me any day.
Toucan Sam
I just see Toucan Sam more as a friend.
Lucky the Leprechaun
Overall, the experience with the marshmallow leprechaun would be pretty good. He’s basically got an unlimited supply of superpowers through his marshmallows (they all do different things, for instance the horseshoe charm gives him the power of speed). This could make things a lot more fun. Also he will probably call you “magically delicious” and that’s incredibly validating.
Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Looking at my dating history you will find that while I haven’t been with many people, the majority of the people I have been with were skinny little guys who are annoying and love to make a little performance. That being said, Snap, Crackle, and Pop are just my type when it comes to cereal guys. These are the type of guys who will hook up with you once, ghost you, then message you two years later. Overall, not a great experience but I have no taste so I’d be down for either of them, or a mix of the three.
The Little Honeycombs Freak
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m scared. This guy definitely is living in someone’s basement utility closet.
Fred Flinstone
This one doesn’t feel fair to put on the list because he’s known from things other than cereal, but Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles are a top-tier cereal so I can’t ignore his impact. Fred, as we all know, is a family man. He’s got a hot wife. He knows what he’s doing.
It’s the one-year anniversary of this newsletter!
YESSSS. More of this content por favor! I also had the taste buds of an old man growing up with my cereal selections. Exhibit A- Bran flakes, not the ones with raisins (not THAT old) but I was def seeking that fiber to stay regular LMAO. Keep the weekly newsletters coming!
Using the Cap'n's full government name! Crunch-itize me any time ;)