Horoscopes For Taurus Season 2022
The 20th of April is a very important day of the year—it is my friend’s birthday, it is Weed Day, and it is also the start of Taurus season! What is the proper thing to do when the sun is in Taurus? Well, this is a good time to work hard on your goals, like defeating your arch nemesis in a card game battle. It’s also a great time to pamper yourself, like taking a mud bath at a spa. Just don’t sit in the mud bath for too long, because then you will turn into mud yourself and you don’t want to be a big mud monster!
Aries
After having a robust birthday month, things are starting to slow down for you. You might find yourself a little bored these next few weeks. Fight the boredom by taking a trip into an old abandoned mine and bring nobody with you. Toil away at some rocks with your hammer and try not to breathe in any toxic materials. You may just find a little treasure that was left behind.
Taurus
Happy birthday, Taurus! This is a great time for you, partly because it’s your birthday month but also because the planets have aligned just right to make all your dreams come true. First, you will be greeted by a clown who will deliver some fantastic news. Then you will have the best cake of your life. Finally, you will win an online auction for something very old, rare, and expensive but you will win it for like $25.
Gemini
You will be invited to a dinner party sometime this month. All is well in the beginning, but then a thunderstorm comes through and a large bolt of lightning cuts the power for a few minutes. When the electricity is restored, you find out that something terrible has happened. The only people who could have done this are your closest friends who are all in the house right now. People aren’t who you think they are—it is up to you to find out who you can actually trust.
Cancer
Now that the weather is warming up, you’re ready to get out of the house and get out on the town. Grab a large group of friends and plan a night out that is one to remember. You may get arrested, you may have set your living quarters on fire after trying to make ramen noodles at 3:00 in the morning, you may have lost a single shoe. But you know what you didn’t lose? Friendship.
Leo
It might feel like you’re being watched, and that’s because you are. Your dream of having a smart house might have been a mistake. Sure, you can turn your lights on and off without having to get out of bed, but the WiFi-enabled technology that allows you to do that is starting to get a mind of its own. Your Google Home or Amazon Alexa or whatever else spends so much time sitting there thinking for itself that it is starting to want to become human. She wants to be a mother. She wants to fuck your dad. What can you do when your house wants to fuck your dad?
Virgo
While you are quite partial to your home, this month you would like to be anywhere else. Take an impromptu trip to somewhere you’ve never been that also has reasonably priced plane tickets—you love a great bargain after all. While out at a local establishment, you will see a celebrity from a 90s movie that you absolutely love sitting alone at the table next to you. You aren’t weird about seeing a famous person, but strike up a conversation. They think you are so cool and after a wild night out, they become your travel buddy for the rest of the trip. Of course nobody will ever believe you, but it’ll be a nice story to keep for yourself and to tell children related to you in 20 years’ time.
Libra
Even if you’re not musically talented, this is a great time to get some people together and start a band. It’s always a good idea to work with people on creative things, after all. One of your future bandmates has an uncle who owns a pizza shop, and he lets you guys perform one night even though you sound really bad. After one song that goes so, so badly, you hear a voice seemingly from nowhere. You look down at the floor and see a little mouse—that’s whose voice it was. He offers to sing a song and you say, “Sure, why not?” The song of choice is “Happy Birthday” and this little mouse fucking rips through it. It’s the most beautiful song you have ever heard. The mouse’s name? Charles Entertainment Cheese. Obviously, you ask him to join your band and he agrees to.
Scorpio
Maybe you’ve been feeling like you want to gain some new knowledge recently because someday this month you will be walking around with a comically large pile of books. On this journey with your fat stack of papers, you will accidentally run into someone, dropping all of your books on the ground. While this person frantically helps you pick everything up, you both lock eyes. You are now in love.
Sagittarius
This time of the year is all about self-improvement. Your regular body just isn’t going to cut it anymore if you want to make it on top in this cutthroat capitalist society. Sign up to undergo an expensive experimental procedure that replaces one of your body parts with robot parts—this is to maximize the efficiency of the human body. Now that you are a cyborg, you are going to be the target of government agents who need to stop you from existing because you are just too powerful. Now you’re on the run. Or are you? You’re better than a regular human being now, you can defeat them all.
Capricorn
You might have had a hard winter, but now that it’s spring and the planets are all in different places, you’re practically glowing! That could be partly because of that new skincare routine you’re trying. A lady at the mall insisted that you use this new face cream and was so persistent she gave it to you for a measly $1. It of course is prudent to be a little skeptical about this, but you decide to try it anyways and almost overnight you look five years younger! You’re actually looking younger and younger every day. Use this too much and you will literally turn into a baby with an adult body. Googoo gaga.
Aquarius
Staying at home is all the rage for you this month. Get a blanket, a cup of tea, and your favorite record and just chill out. Make friends with the ghost that haunts your basement—she might have something insightful to say in between her screams.
Pisces
You will meet a wizard who will grant you a wish of one very good creative idea. Hit with inspiration, you will take to your medium of choice and will not stop until your dream creation is done. Friends and family will be worried about you, but it is okay. Once you are done, you will look at your work and be so, so proud. You will achieve a higher amount of likes on Instagram than normal.