Horoscopes for Scorpio Season
How are we doing, everyone? At the time of writing these horoscopes, we are already two days into Scorpio season and I personally am going through a rough one and I’m assuming everyone else is too. Anyways, I’ve got a lot to think about and coincidentally Scorpio season is all about going deep. If you were able to find a boo during Libra season, then good for you! It’s time to get super passionate and disgusting, like one of those paperback romance novels on a rotating bookshelf at the train station. If you’re single, falling into a pit of despair seems like the right move, but it might be better to just get passionate about something else, like macramé. Isn’t that so fun?
Aries
You’re a social creature, so it’s no surprise that you want to have a dinner party with some close friends sometime soon. But be careful about who you invite to hang out with. On a dark and stormy night, while you’re all gathered, the power will go out and when the power comes back on, one of you will be dead. You will now have to spend the rest of the night figuring out who was the one who committed the crime and you can trust no one.
Taurus
Oh no! The theatre that you love so much is going to be shut down because a bigwig real estate guy is trying to buy the property out. It seems hopeless, but it’s up to you to put on the best show you possibly can to fundraise enough money to save the space. At first you think you’re going to have to go this alone, but your rival steps in to help. You two haven’t been on the best terms, but you both love the theatre so much. In this process you both realize that the other person isn’t so bad after all. Will you become best friends? Or even lovers? We will just have to wait and find out.
Gemini
Girlbossing hard is absolutely necessary for you right now but remember that girlbossing without a plan can be detrimental to your health. That’s why you should establish some very clear routines to keep all your bossing on track. For example, at 5:15 a.m. look into the mirror and scream into the void. At 7:00 a.m. drink a latte. At 3:27 p.m. put in a good two minutes in for a small cry. Things like that.
Cancer
This is the best time for you to get back out there and start dating—really put yourself out there. Some of you will go through the pains of dating only to quickly fall in love with a distant childhood friend who is actually a successful lawyer who helps save your entire career (like Bridget Jones). Others of you will go on dates with an Elvis impersonator who actually doesn’t have a home of their own and is trying to get you to marry them so they can benefit from your assets. Others of you will get ghosted by an actual ghost that is haunting your home. It’s a mixed bag, but isn’t that what dating is all about?
Leo
You’re feeling like staying home this month, so what better way to spend time indoors than to go through some old boxes. You will find an old diary that is actually a magical item that will let you go back in time exactly twice. There’s something that you have to make right in the past. If you fix it, will you still have all your limbs in the present?
Virgo
You have found a great way to convey your feelings into words recently, and it’s time to use that ability for good. Spread the word about labor rights to your coworkers and literally anyone who will bother to listen to you. You may get extra money, or you may get fired. Either way, you’re changing the world and that’s the most important part.
Libra
There is going to be something that you really want to buy soon. You don’t know what it is yet but it is equally ridiculous and expensive. Even if you lose out on a lot of money, this thing will improve your life tenfold. It is a KitchenAid mixer and all its accessories. Buy it now unless you’re planning on getting married soon (because then one of your relatives will buy this for you). Imagine all the dough you can knead with ease.
Scorpio
Happy birthday! A bitch is tired and a bitch deserves a break, so take one and just enjoy this time for yourself. Your skin will be glowing. Literally glowing, like a glowstick. On your birthday you will find out a family secret: that you’re actually an alien from a far-away planet. This is also what I think the Disney Channel Original Movie, Zombies 3, will be about when it comes out. Congrats!
Sagittarius
Things are not great for you this month, sorry to say. Be wary of hitting “Reply All” instead of just “Reply.” Make sure that you’re not sending nudes to your parents by not sending any nudes at all. You’re probably going to get a UTI even if you don’t have sex because you ended up eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and forgot to wash your hands. Just get some rest and try again in a few weeks.
Capricorn
You are going to have to fight a very difficult, and very important battle soon. The enemy will be too powerful and fighting alone won’t be enough. That’s why you need to tap into the power of your friendships with others. Put all your hands together and draw a smiley face with a marker and with the power of friendship you will be able to do anything.
Aquarius
People might be expecting more from you this month, but you don’t need to let them expect anything out of you. While you’re not paying attention on a walk one fine morning, you’ll accidentally walk into a street pole. But you don’t feel a thing. It’s actually a portal into an alternate dimension. It’s one that is so similar to the world you’re from except nobody at your job is asking you to do much of anything. This may be a good place to establish your new home.
Pisces
You’re at a place in your life where you feel like everything is pretty in order. But you don’t want to just stop there. You may want to expand your world by including more people—or creatures—into your life. Maybe a dog, cat, or turtle perhaps? Just be warned, your first instinct for a new companion may end up growing much larger than you originally expected. Make sure you have enough space for a very, very large pet.