Horoscopes for Aquarius Season 2023
We’re already a few days in now, but the sun is in Aquarius and we’ve never felt better about it! Aquarius season is all about being the opposite of normal, so be prepared for some freaky and weird things to happen to you. I’m not saying that alien abductions happen more frequently during Aquarius season but also I’m not saying that it couldn’t happen. You might find something under your pillow that isn’t a quarter because you’re an adult who has all their teeth and also the Tooth Fairy isn’t real (at least for me—my mom was the one who wrote all the Tooth Fairy letters back when I was hustling for quarters). Is it a memento from another world? We really don’t know.
Aries
When you see a bunch of baby ducks on the sidewalk that don’t seem to have a mom around and are lacking direction, the ducks decide that you are their new mom. In a single file, they will follow you around all the way until you come home. You can’t just abandon a bunch of baby ducks, so you take them in like they’re one of your own. They always follow you around.
Taurus
If you’ve ever wished that you could know what your pets are thinking, this may be some good news for you because that’s exactly what happens this month. One day, your pet (or pet that is around you) is just making regular animal sounds and the next day you know everything this animal is thinking. What you find in your pet’s mind might be shocking. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
Gemini
You will be visited by the spirit of a disgraced dead politician (cannot get more specific than that) while you’re asleep one night. He will tell you a secret about him while he was alive that is so shocking, but you will never be able to do anything about it because absolutely nobody will believe you—that is, unless you try to dig up some proof to substantiate your claim. Get your journalism hat on because it’s time to investigate and dedicate your life to this. You will never be financially compensated for all the work you are about to do.
Cancer
Nothing feels right this month, so you start to go by large bodies of water to ponder. Even though the water is cold and the wind bites, you are drawn to it. Out in the open water you see a human-like figure and they are beautiful. You want to swim out and see them in person, even though it’s dangerous. It might be worth the trip, or it might just be a piece of litter.
Leo
The Hamburglar will try to burgle your house, but you catch him before he’s able to steal anything…except in that moment you lock eyes and he does manage to steal your heart. The wedding will be in three weeks.
Virgo
Recently, you’ve become kind of a mess. Take some time to clean your room or you will trip over something on the floor, break your leg in a really painful and inconvenient way where you have to go to the hospital, and while you’re under anesthesia during surgery someone gets away with a lot of financial cyber crimes using your bank info, but you weren’t there in time to flag it. Clean your room so that doesn’t happen to you.
Libra
After suppressing your feelings for this long, you’re ready to let it all out. This is the perfect month to go absolutely primal—scream as loud as you can, run around, get some paint and throw it at a wall or something. Post it online, obviously. Your mental breakdown may just be the next cash cow for you.
Scorpio
You will have the tastiest slice of pizza you have (and will) ever eat in your life. It’s so good that you truly forget about all of your other desires and ambitions. Your life is now dedicated to finding an equally tasty slice of pizza.
Sagittarius
After being so brave and ordering the sizzling fajitas at a restaurant, a suspicious-looking patron of the establishment will come up and talk to you. They will ask you for your help in a quest of sorts, and promise that you will be compensated. You immediately abandon the friends you came to the restaurant with to follow this shady person into the great unknown. You will be in danger at all times but this is also the first time you have ever truly felt alive.
Capricorn
An uncontrollable urge to build a treehouse comes over you. You have the spirit of carpentry inside of your body and it will not leave until something has been created from your hands. It doesn’t have to be a treehouse as the final product, but it must be made out of wood. Your body yearns to hammer nails into planks, and you must give in to these temptations.
Aquarius
Happy birthday, Aquarius! This month is going to take you to places you’ve never been before. You will find that out of a leak somewhere in your house, strange little mushrooms are going to grow in a little nook somewhere. Of course, you eat one, and then will go on the wildest ride of your life. The mushrooms will magically disappear after your one crazy day because really, that’s all you’re going to need.
Pisces
There’s a group of young men in suits singing acapella and following you around everywhere. It’s ruining your life, frankly. It’s time to go underground and hide from these fresh-faced vocalists and hope that they will eventually give up.
BONUS: Okay, yeah even though I just wrote about this last week, there are new developments on the whole sexy M&M’s thing. Because Tucker Carlson is disgusted by a lack of go-go boots on the green M&M and that the purple peanut M&M is too “obese,” the corporate team of M&M’s have decided to just completely get rid of all the spokescandies and instead hired Maya Rudolph to be their spokesperson instead, to avoid any more controversies. I feel broken inside. I am so tired. I will not be talking about this anymore this week, but I felt like I should address this. But you can read this article about the subject if you would like more insight into this very important issue.
Hey do you want to see me to standup? I’m going to be opening for Best of Annoyance Sketch on January 28th @9:30 at (you guessed it) the Annoyance Theatre! You can buy tickets at the door or ahead of time here.