Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! As far as holidays go, this is objectively a bad holiday to celebrate when you look at the whole history of the thing, but I do have two days off from work and I do get to eat a lot, so it’s still a holiday I celebrate for all the wrong (but actually good) reasons. As a little extra treat on this day of treats, I decided to rank all of the traditional Thanksgiving foodstuffs from worst to best. You’re welcome.
14. One of Those Weird “Salads” My Aunt Would Always Bring
Back when my very large family did very large Thanksgiving together, everyone would bring something to share. My one aunt would always bring one of those weird whipped cream (or mayo?) salads that I see all the time in those weird 1970’s cookbooks that seem to be a human rights violation. I’ve never eaten them because they look absolutely foul and I’m guessing I am right because barely anyone ever ate them.
13. Green Beans
The way that my family does most of the vegetable sides is to just boil them from a frozen bag and put salt and butter on it. This is fine, but compared to everything else on the plate I’m just not very interested in buttery green beans. A green bean casserole though? I could fuck with that.
12. Corn
I like corn well enough. It’s a food that grows all over the United States and is the basis for most of my favorite foods. Corn on the cob is fucking amazing, too. That being said, just some loose corn in a bowl with salt and butter leaves much to be desired.
11. Cranberry Sauce
I’m not a cranberry sauce hater, I just ranked it fairly low because of my lack of experience with it. My mom is not from the U.S. and my dad doesn’t like fruits, so when it came time to learn about traditional Thanksgiving foods, cranberry sauce just got completely overlooked. As a flavor profile thing, I feel like the sour sweetness pairs really nicely with the other savory dishes. One thing I don’t understand though is the appeal of the canned cranberry sauce that just comes out solid. Is that actually good? It’s not sauce.
10. Turkey
As far as birds go, turkey is probably the most overrated of all of them. It usually ends up dry and doesn’t have too much flavor. I’m lucky enough that my mom makes a pretty decent turkey so I don’t hate turkey as much as the next person. But I get it. For the dish that gets the most attention, it doesn’t have as much to give as other sides.
9. Pumpkin Pie
Pumpkin pie is fine enough. It’s good, especially with whipped cream. Actually, it needs some sort of cream element to be good. That being said, it’s not the best pie in the bunch and I can definitely go without.
8. Mashed Potatoes
This is a classic dish. This is a true neutral dish. You cannot go wrong with mashed potatoes (unless you hate them, which I know a few people who do). There’s not much you can do to mess them up, either. For me, they are an enjoyable experience always.
7. Roasted Brussels Sprouts
Thank goodness that we as a people have eradicated bad-tasting brussels sprouts from existence and have also gotten into a habit of roasting vegetables. Roasted sprouts are a new addition to the holiday menu, but they are much appreciated.
6. Pecan Pie
When comparing Thanksgiving-specific pies, pecan is definitely the superior pie. I never would have thought I would say this because I’m not a huge fan of nuts, but that’s the thing—pecan pie doesn’t actually taste nutty. It just tastes good! Like any traditional pie, this one also needs some whipped cream topping to really complete the experience.
5. Gravy
Turkey is just a vehicle for the real star of Thanksgiving: the gravy. Gravy has done so much for us. It really carries the whole plate on its back. Thank you for your service, gravy.
4. Cheesy Potatoes
My family was not a traditional cheesy potatoes kind of family, but when my brother and I went to college and got really smart, we discovered cheesy potatoes and decided to bring them home with us. This has been a staple in my family ever since. The Pillsbury recipe is so easy but it is the perfect recipe for the perfect cheesy potatoes. I’m a pretty big fan of mashed potatoes, but the cheesy ones win hands-down.
3. Sweet Potatoes
I’m a slut for sweet potatoes. They’re good plain (if you’re trying to be healthy), but the real joy is eating sweet potatoes baked in brown sugar and butter. Like damn, that shit is so good. I’m obsessed.
2. Dinner Rolls
Who doesn’t like ROLLS?
1. Stuffing
Stuffing is the top-tier Thanksgiving food in my opinion. I fucking love it. From a box or made fresh, this shit is always going to slap. It’s so good. It’s just breadcrumbs but it’s so good. I can’t believe that for the first like sixteen years of my life I didn’t eat stuffing just because my dad thought it was “gross” and my mom didn’t know better because she learned about Thanksgiving from my dad. It’s the best fucking shit on the planet. I could eat stuffing every day for the rest of my life. Good thing Capriotti’s sells turkey, cranberry, and stuffing sandwiches year-round.
BONUS: Thanksgiving Food, Ranked
Wow, very inspired and wholesome. My appetite on this glorious day of giving thanks has been stoked. Ranking foods is second to eating them